When Covid hit our Family

I knew it was going to happen at some point, here we are, almost 2 years since this pandemic started and we were hit by the virus.

When my children were little, I used to be terrified of the vomiting bug, I remember the first time it hit the whole family, we had 4 children and it was savage! The kids started waking up during the night, 30 minutes between each other and vomiting all over, by the time one bed was made someone else was waking up crying and repeating all I just mentioned above.  Fun memories!

Today I can say, I have gained a bit of experience to the vomiting bug because ever since 2009 we have been hit by it almost every year, today my children know exactly what to do, from the eldest to the youngest, the moment they feel sick they call for the bucket, no more carpets or beds are messed up by it.

For the past 2 years, I avoided Covid, I tried to distance as much as I could, I did what was advised and taught my children to do likewise, but I knew that with the children going to school and socialising we would eventually get it. I am glad it took us this long to happen, it seems that everyone is having it these days.

Tuesday at 5am my son come to me and said: Mom, I think I’m dying! (Drama is part of our family 😊) he mentioned he couldn’t stand up properly, he was shaking and dizzy, no flu symptoms at that stage, he also said his head hurt, I gave him paracetamol and sent him back to bed. I worried, because for a moment Covid was not my concern, but later when he woke up, he was worse and I decided to check for covid, I had an antigen test at home, and sure enough: Positive!!

That morning, before I took the covid test, only one child went to school, everyone felt off, I let them stay home. I’m glad I did, because after he tested positive, few more tested positive too. I called the schools, and my angel neighbour has been a blessing, she went shopping for some supplies of food and medicine.

Thankfully the children are very resilient and are recovering well so far. We are on day 4 since the first positive test, all feeling a bit miserable but doing fine. A lot of boredom going on, a house filled with sick kids and now a sick mother too, not the nicest place to be, but I’m confident saying that despite the sickness, bad moods and all that comes with many kids being stuck together in one space, we are ok 😊

Situations like this reminds me of how fragile life is, one day we are all go and suddenly everything must be postponed. I had meetings and different appointments booked for this week, all seem unimportant when dealing with the health and wellbeing of our loved ones and the protection of others.

I am looking forward to the days when Covid 19, is just another something we must watch for, like the vomiting bug, something that we dread but with time and experience we will know exactly what to do when it hits ourselves or the ones we care for.

Have you been hit by Covid? How was your recovery? What are your tips?

Yesterday is Gone!

Happy New Year my friend.

We survived another year of a world pandemic and that for sure made all our other problems seem a little more complicated. But here we are, 2022!

I have not written anything in a while, my life has taken a turn since my last post, and I feel hopeful.

 I have moved house and I now settling into a new life. Found a church we like, made new friends, reconnected with old friends and the kids are settling in their new school.

Housing is still a worry as where I am is just a temporary solution, but thankfully I doubt I will ever be in that situation again.

I would like to thank everyone here who prayed for our situation, helped financially, and reached out to me with encouraging words. I felt loved and blessed to have so many people all around the world routing for us.

I have goals for this year, one of them is to focus on my mental and physical health. I want to be well to be able to be a better person. I want to be the best mom I can be.

To me 2021 felt like just a continuation of 2020, it was like 2020 never ended… I now know that it was not just because of the pandemic, I had unresolved issues carried over, things that I needed to deal with in my own brain to be able to move on to the next step, and now I feel this time has come. Time for Dani to do what it needs to be done to totally let go of the past, and I mentioned once on a different post, sometimes we need to let go of good memories as well as the bad ones to fully experience healing, which is what I plan to do this year.

Starting fresh, no looking back only forward yesterday is passed and it no longer should affect my today unless it is to teach me something.

2022, here I come!

Housing Crisis and Single Parents

“Mommy, I don’t like sleeping here. 

“ You can go to the other room, there is more space, your sister is going to sleep in the cottage tonight. I said, trying to give her more options.

“ No mommy, I don’t mean the couch, I mean the mobile home. It feels like the whole place is going to fall on top of me.”

“Don’t worry about it, we will be ok. God will protect us. This house is a blessing, many kids in Brazil are living on the streets right now.  I said, also with a cracking voice… of course I wouldn’t tell her that I have fears too,  many nights I cry in the dark, praying that someone out there will agree to rent a house for us. I also wonder if this mobile home will last much longer. 

You might be wondering what it is all about,  I will tell you a little..

I am a mother of many!  I am separated! I am a foreigner and I am homeless!

For the past four months, I have had to explain myself to many people, shared details of my story to strangers, I’ve had to explain that all my children were born of one marriage, that their father is Irish and that I have lived in this country almost 19 years, just so I could past people’s preconceived ideas of what they have in mind for a foreigner, single mother of 8 children and if I am honest, in the past, I would have had few judgemental thoughts on that too.

Social workers, politicians, the social housing department, women’s aid, and a few other agencies, cannot help me on this matter.

Friends and family have reached out too, some have prayed for and with me, others tried calling different governmental agencies, the situation is the same.

I have applied for most houses around, Real estate agencies, won’t even reply to my applications, landlords when answering phone calls, tell me they will let me know, but of course a few days later the house won’t be online anymore and you will never again hear from them.

I have the means to pay rent,  good references, always paid my rent on time and kept the house in good condition, sometimes better than when I moved in. 

This housing crisis is real! By the time I apply ,there are probably already 50 other applicants, with less kids, better jobs and not a single parent with 8 kids. 

This is a true saga, friends, the story of my life… has anything ever happened to you that you think, Wow, I never imagined this happening to me?  for the past few years, almost everything that has happened to my family can be classified as “ Something I have never imagined possible”

It is almost 00hrs, I’m sitting on the sofa bed(where I sleep most of the nights) in the living room of the mobile home, listening to one of my kids snoring by my side. With tears pouring down my face, I try to make sense of how I got here. My mind, of course, reminds me of happenings, situations, things that I’d rather not think about, reminding me where it all started, when it all started. It is a vicious cycle that I’m looking forward to changing. 

I’m sorry this post is depressing, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered but I need to be honest when I write. This blog is real, this life is real, I don’t ever want to fake it, and tonight I have no energy to explain details of how I end up living in the back garden of a friend/relatives, in a mobile home. Story for another post.

Tonight I need God so much, I need His peace, His presence, I know that what I told my daughter earlier was true, there are many people in much worse situations, but unfortunately knowing people are suffering all around the world does not change the fact that tonight my heart aches for my own family and I wish for me and the kids to have a home  that we could move on with our lives.

Life Lessons Through a Pipe

For the past few months I have started a deep soul searching. Trying to discover my own identity after a marriage breakup is not the most enjoyable thing to do, but I figured if I wanted to be a better version of myself I would have to work hard to deal with the issues that were uncovered by digging deep.

Anyone who is close enough to me knows that I have had a problem with leakage in my house boiler. It’s been months since my landlord came to fix it and a new issue arose. A few days ago I noticed the leak was back and this time quite bad. I called my landlord and he came very fast. After checking, he discovered the leak was coming from the attic, and again, anyone who knows me, knows that I always ask questions. I asked how come a pipe in an attic would leak out of the blue? Could something specific have damaged it? His answer was simple, but in my view it was so profound, he said, “ The problem was there from the beginning, the person who installed it, bought the cheapest pipe, normally it should have lasted a lifetime, but trying to do a quick, cheap job the person fixed the problem at first not thinking of the future.”

I thought about that for the entire day, how deep is that? We all do this at some stage in our lives, we start relationships, friendships, businesses and the list goes on, sometimes because of our own insecurities we jump into something that at first seem attractive and good for us, we make ourselves believe the issues aren’t there. I’m sure the person who bought that pipe didn’t think there was an issue with it, it looked good and cheap, perfect combination right? I have gone for cheap stuff many times and ended up regretting it big time!

My landlord decided to replace the entire pipe, he tried to mend it many times just to start leaking in a different spot. Wow!!! To me that was another teaching!

Many times I try to mend my wounds by patching it together but as soon as it is touched, the issues are back and sometimes worse than it was when it was patched in the first place. Certain things need a real fixing and sometimes a total replacement will be needed.

Now, had my landlord done some well needed house maintenance during all these years that he has owned this house, he would probably have found out about the problem and fixed it before it damaged other parts of the house. I think that is what we sometimes do with our relationships, because everything seems to be going well, we take it for granted and forget to do a check up now and again to make sure all parts of it are running smoothly. Life gives us warning signs, then we patch it and keep going, finding out later that it was never fixed and it actually caused a problem somewhere else.

I realise now that I’m a broken human being, and it isn’t because someone broke me, I can’t blame that on my marriage break up, that was just another leak in my life, there are things deep within me that I need to address before it becomes so big that it will burst causing a worse damage. Being aware of my weaknesses and brokenness is the beginning of fixing or replacing the part that is damaged.

Trying to do a maintenance check-up on myself is painful but so far has helped me identify a lot of little leakages that can be fixed and big ones that need attention and time, but the day I can label it “ Fully Serviced” it will be such a good feeling knowing I will be a better human being, Christian, Mother and friend. For all that to happen takes time and hard work, no more procrastination, no more sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I think I’m finally in a place where God can work on me, being aware of my own issues, and admitting that it is all too much to process on my own, opens up a door for him to come and help me to sort it all out and make me whole again.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. -Psalm 51:17

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

Quarantine Saga OF A Single Mom of 8

Laughing, crying, and shouting mixed with smiles, hugs, and kisses.

These have been my days since I became a single parent of 8.

Two years ago I became what I never had dreamed of, the thing I feared the most had become my reality. My husband of 15 years, with whom I had built a beautiful family, was now just a visitor.

It took a while for the idea to sink in. Being a single parent with 8 children was an incredibly sad thought indeed.
For the past 6 weeks we have been in quarantine here in Ireland, the children are home 24/7 and life has taken a little turn to a place that I am learning to appreciate.

When my husband left our home in September 2018, I was devastated, poor and felt completely lost. I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry for weeks, like we see in movies when they go through a breakup. Usually there is a sad song, a bottle of wine or ice cream and the actor will cry to her friends while she tries to make sense of all that just happened. Well, unfortunately, when you have children (in my case 8 of them) and no family living near me, you cannot just stop your life to recover, you must keep going. Your crying moments are in the darkest hours in the midst of the night after you finally managed to end your day and get them all to fall asleep.

In October 2019 I decided to go back to education. It was like life was finally starting to have a new normal. I became a student trying to learn a new skill to get a job and be more independent. I had been home for the past 14 years. Being a stay-at-home mom was something that I had been passionate about but now things were different; everything looked grey.

This was going to be the year of change for me. The year that all my dreams of being a perfect, stay-at-home Christian mom was going to be put away and the new business woman mom was going to come from somewhere deep inside of me, and I would discover all those amazing business skills that I did not know were there before. I would find the perfect job and never again need any government assistance or depend on my ex’s maintenance. Of course I would still be a very present mother. I would spend the weekends playing with the children, baking, and having fun would be all I would do.

I hope you were able to picture those dreams just like I did when I planned what my 2020 was going to be. I exaggerate a little as I am writing, but I guess us mothers like to dream, we imagine a world where we love doing the things that we are supposed to do. Do not get me wrong, I love being a mom and although I was never the perfect stay-at-home mom and will never be the business kind either, I dreamed because that is what kept me going when times got tough. I prayed and I dreamed.

Fortunately, it did not take long for me to wake up to the reality that my days as a stay-at-home mom are not over yet. I realised that even though life is stressful right now, and parenting alone is extremely hard, there is nothing else I would rather do. Honestly, there is not one day that goes by where I do not feel that I am just living inside a nightmare or a joke; that at some point I am going to wake up to find my life back to what it used to be five years ago. If back then someone told me that in 2020 I would be separated, being a lone parent and the entire world would be in the middle of a pandemic and because of that, as if that was not enough, I would be told to stay indoors and home-school, I would say that person was crazy! Because crazy is how I would describe all that is going on right now.

Many would ask,  how do I do this? What are my days like? 
Laughter, crying and shouting, smiles, hugs, and kisses, 
that is how I do it, one day at the time.

Let The Saga Begin!

When I decided to call this blog “ A Single Mom Saga”, it is was mainly because of how cool it sounded to me. When I read or heard the word “ Saga” the first thing that came to my mind was the vampire movie series “ Twilight”, I was pregnant when I saw the movies, binge watched the whole series it was the first time that I ever heard that word. I’m a curious person and didn’t want to use a word for my blog’s name that didn’t really mean anything, so I checked what it meant.

There are a lot of meanings, but the one that got my attention was the one on the Lexico Website “ A long, involved story, account, or series of incidents.”

Isn’t that what a life of a single parent is? or should I say everyone’s life is?

I felt saga suited my life so well, and as a good Brazilian woman that I am, who grew up watching soap operas, and can dramatize any little or big situations, ” A single mom saga” is the perfect fit for my life.

My desire is to use this blog to rediscover myself, and I invite you to come along with me.

The saga of a woman who once thought her life was good just the way it was, and suddenly almost everything she thought to be real became a fantasy, she felt lost and alone. A saga that probably most women go through at some point in their lives.

For the past almost 2 years I have been searching deep within, trying to let go of what is no longer needed, strengthening areas that have been buried for a long time. Rediscovering a simple and yet deep relationship with Jesus, being honest with myself and others.

Resilient is what I want to be, learn from what life throws at me instead of feeling sorry for myself, even though my posts will be deep and sometimes a little sad, believe me : I’m actually in a good place. The process is painful but very much needed. There is no way to get to a more stable place without throwing away the heavy mess we are carrying. I know that one year from now, or even a month from now, I will be in a better place mentally, physically and spiritually. The world will benefit from it, specially my world!

This blog will probably bless, challenge and encourage most people, but I hope that reaches out the single moms out there, the ones that I once judged in my heart, the ones who are hurting from a marriage or relationship breakup, the ones who have no idea how they will cope another day, month or year, the ones who are trying so hard to be all to her children/child. I want you to know that you are not alone, there are many of us!

Embrace what has happened to you, acknowledge that it isn’t a perfect scenario but it is your Saga and only you can dictate how it is going to end. Are you going to sit there feeling sorry for yourself while the world keeps going? Move along, start small but get up and do something, sadly life does not stop for us to take a breath.

Be resilient!

Be strong!

Reach for help if you need and start now!

We can do this!

Let the Saga Begin…

The Husband I longed for.

I have gone through so many distinct stages since I have become a single mom of 8. There are days when the fact that I am the only adult responsible for the lives of 8 children is overwhelming and scary, and there are other days when I feel God’s presence in it all, and that brings a lot of peace to my heart.

The story I will share happened sometime in early November of 2019. I was going through a very dark period when I questioned my life.

I was having one of those ranting moments while driving home from college. I was thinking about where I was at in my life. It could have been that college was too challenging, or my day was so full I did not know how I would get it all in, but for whatever reason, I was terribly upset.

With tears pouring down my face, playing Lauren Daigle on Spotify, I drove talking to God. Well, it was not really a talk; it was more like a cry-out. I started to think of what it would have been like to have had a husband that was a stable Christian man, someone who loved me so much that he would protect and cherish me. I asked, “Why is all this happening to me, Lord? What did I do to deserve this?” I looked around and saw a house that myself and my husband used to drive by and talk about how much we would have loved to buy our own home. I cried. There were so many dreams and hopes. Then it was like a movie going through my mind. You know those movies where the guy loves the girl but is her best friend and is too afraid to share his feelings because he knows she loves someone else? Then a lot happens, and only at the end of the movie, she realises that she loves her best friend and not the jerk she had been running after. Well, that was the thought I had in my mind. I asked, “Lord, why do I not get that kind of a friend? Someone who will stick around even when I obviously am not into him, someone who will be there during my crying and laughter, not because he wants something in return but because he loves me?”

As you can see, I really opened my deepest feelings to him. I just wanted to be loved no matter what; the pain of rejection and betrayal was heavy that day. I asked him, “Why, why? How am I going to do this on my own? I never imagined one day being a single mom.”

As soon as I quieted down, a song I had heard before but never really paid attention to started playing. Here are the words:

You are not hidden
There has never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It is true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You are not defenceless
I will be your shelter
I will be your Armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It is true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It is true, I will rescue you

Suddenly, my heart was filled with joy, a REAL joy. It is hard to explain as I had NEVER felt it before, not even when I became a Christian 30 years ago. I started to laugh, and this deep love came to me. I heard Jesus! He spoke very clearly into my heart, “I am the husband you are looking for, the friend who loves you no matter what, the one who will stick around even when you obviously don’t seem interested, the one who will be here waiting for the moment to be noticed.” I started to sob like a crazy lady! I can only imagine what other people driving by must have thought of me. At that moment, I fell in love with Jesus; I noticed him, my best friend, the husband who will always be faithful, loving, and never leave, no matter what! What a revelation that was. My stomach still gets butterflies when I remember that day.

In my most profound sorrow, He showed up. I do not know what you are going through, but if, like me, sometimes you need to be reminded, here it is.

You are loved beyond what you can ever comprehend. He will never leave. He will supply your needs. Your life might remain stuck in messy situations for the time being but He has promised that He will never leave you, He will fight for you and wipe away your tears. Hang in there.

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honoured, and I love you.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you…
Isaiah 43 1-5

A cup of coffee for my head

What is it like to be stuck in the house with 8 active, inquisitive, and sometimes “annoying” children? I get asked that question often, and friends send me sympathy messages like, I am praying for you, or you are my hero… things the sort.

When I get those messages, what comes to mind is, my friend, you have no idea what you are talking about!

Here is the thing, do not get me wrong. All of us moms have challenges; as mothers of 1 or 10 children, each one of us could sit and tell an endless number of stories of how many challenges and joys we have daily in this process of quarantine. I am not trying to make it sound like my life is somehow more difficult than yours; comparing should never be something that mothers should do; we are to encourage each other in this crazy motherhood journey. My friends have taught me so much; they have one or two children. Having 8 children does not make me an expert at anything, but when I think, “ You have no idea what my life is like”, it is because 1 and 8 are pretty different numbers, which is the reality. I appreciate the prayers so much; thank you!

I have 4 stages of childhood around here. Two teens, two pre-teens, two getting there, and two on the pre-school age. The dynamics are intense, and sometimes I fail! Big-time fails.

I want to share an incident that happened last week; mind you, it has been over 5 weeks that we have been home on quarantine, my 8 children and me. By this stage, we are bored, frustrated, and tired.

It was Thursday evening, we had finished dinner, and the children were being loud; I had already asked them to start getting ready for bed; the teens had a screaming meltdown earlier that day, so by this stage, a lot of us were frustrated. So I started cleaning the kitchen when I heard the youngest crying and the others coming shouting: Mommy!! They hurt her, so and so did this and this…

It is tough to even begin to explain what this kind of scenario does to my brain; I had been hearing fights and crying the whole day, and by 7pm, when I heard crying and everyone shouting, I went a little crazy. I shouted louder! I took the children involved in the incident and screamed at them: I told you to stop; I asked you the entire day, why do you not listen to me? I am not going to share all that I said and how the whole situation for the 3 minutes it lasted, but my kids were shocked by my reaction, and so was I.

When things were quieter, and I got to tend to the hurt child and realised it was an accident, my friends, I was that thoughtless, first went to get the ones who hurt the little one instead of tending to the hurt child, who does that??? I did, a tired and overwhelmed mother! Things improved; I apologised, and we cried and prayed together, but even though all seemed ok, I went to bed with a heavy heart; I felt lonely and like a failure. I asked God to help me be a better mom and to protect my family and my mind so I can be the mother He wants me to be. I fell asleep after a good sob.

In the morning, I woke up tired, more tired than usual; it was like a tractor had gone through my body or that I was bitten up during the whole night, I had a shower, and it got worse, and my eyes were sore. Sarah, my baby number 5, told me to go back to bed, and she made breakfast for me; I said I did not need coffee; I like making my own as I can be fussy about my coffee. She made a beautiful omelette; I was so thankful and felt unworthy because of the previous night.

As soon as I finished my breakfast and was going to return to sleep (it was already 11am,) I got a message from one of the children’s teacher, who has become more of a friend since this quarantine started; she lives down the road from me, the message read: “Hey, are you home? I would like to bring something to you.” My first thought was that she had some school stuff, so I texted back and told her I was not feeling the best and was trying to rest. She replied, I am sorry you are feeling poorly l; II was making some Latte for myself and made one for you too, so I thought of dropping it off.

Now, pause and think of how I felt when I read that message…

Guys, Lattes are my favourite kind of coffee. I felt so blessed at that very moment. It was like God told me: “Yes, you blew up last night, but I still love you and care enough to even give you your favourite kind of coffee.” I am crying right now, even thinking of it; it seems silly. He does so many other massive things in my life, real miracles… but somehow, this little blessing made such a difference.
She dropped the coffee and a little note thanking me for all the work I do with the kids and saying that she could imagine how hard it must be for me to do this on my own.

More blessings happened that day; more friends were involved in being God’s hand in my life; I felt him saying:

No matter what happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow, my love for you will never change, and I care for you more than you can comprehend, and yes, I care that you get precisely what you wish for if that is exactly what you need even if it is just a cup of coffee.