From a Mom to Another

When I started this journey into the motherhood world, life was very different. Back then I hardly used the internet, I used my evenings reading books about maternity, parenting and a bit of novels as well.

I was excited to be a mother, but there is only so much that books will prepare you for, that first night after the baby is born, you are in hospital with that little baba right by your side and you realise that from that day on, your life is forever changed. 

Today I decided to write an encouragement post, for those first time moms, you might have a husband, partner, family… and all the support every woman should have during such a precious time of your life, or maybe you are one of the many women that have no one else, just you and the baby that you decided to keep, you feel completely alone and a little hopeless but yet you love that baby more than you thought you could, you are finding strengths to fight for your future as a mother.

My thoughts are for all of you, I will say a few things that might help you or might just open your eyes a little and make you come back to reality, but trust me, after having 8 children in 11 years, these are not parenting advice, they are lifesavers, survival techniques that I had to learn the hard way, things that no book told me back when I started.

I will say as it is, and it will sound a bit blunt, I think it is better that you go there knowing what to expect, not that you should expect the worse, but you should know certain things are normal to happen.

Before the Birth

• Prepare yourself mentally. Not only for the birth, because honestly, as painful as it might be, the birth isn’t the hardest part.
• If you are not alone, talk to your people. A husband can be a good person to talk to, encourage him to read books on how to support you. If there is harmony in the relationship, having your husband there will make a whole difference.
• If you are alone, now is the time to get support, Facebook groups, churches, mothers groups. I know that this wasn’t the way you dreamed it would be like, but you are here, and life will go on and you will be stronger. You can contact me via this blog, Facebook or Instagram, if you would like, I would be happy to answer any doubts you may have or just encourage you in this journey.
• Sleep!! Sleeping is good advice for anyone at any time, no different for a woman growing a baby inside of her. 
• Eat healthy foods. I know it is easy for me to say this now, that my babies are all out of me but I can tell you my “best” pregnancies, were the ones that I was monitoring what I ate, of course by that stage I had already developed Gestational Diabetes, but changing my eating habits, even if it was just by the end of the pregnancy, made such a difference on how my last few weeks went, especially more energy, and you will need that extra energy.
• Make a birth plan, but don’t go there thinking that it will happen exactly how you planned, because there is a high percentage of chances that it will not go exactly as you planned, there are reasons for back up plans.
•  Now it is the time to start focusing your mind on what is good, and expected of you, understanding the power of your mind, will be a great asset when it comes to each stage of labour and delivering the  baby. 
• There are certain products that were very important for me to have in my hospital bag, like a breastfeeding cream and pads. Those were items that I added to my bag the earliest just not to forget. 

The Birth

• It is more painful than the books tell and the movies show. It lasts longer than we think it will be (unless of course you are one of those “annoying women” that do it all in less than two hours, hardly know you are in labour because you just get a small back pain, or just got lucky with a body that birth babies like a pro. I don’t like you.) Most women are like me.. Some even worse, and labours can be as long as 30 hours or more, of course some people could get all technical about the exact amount of hours that you were actively in labour, but for me if you have pain you are in labour, therefore, be prepared!
• When you are in pain and in active labour, you might say things that don’t make sense, become angry or cry. In other words, you and your birth partner might not recognise you, but rest assured, you will be okay.
• Learn your breathing techniques before you are in labour, I wish I knew this info beforehand, I only learned it when I was in labour of my baby number 5, my first without an epidural, but also the first that I learned how to use the gas and air. And OMG, I love gas and air.
• If you choose to use drugs to help with the pain, I would advise you to know what is available and ask for it as soon as you feel enough is enough.  Some women have a  high pain threshold, and if you are one of them, try to wait as much as you can, because less drugs are best for you and the baby, but don’t be naive, most of us,will need the drugs!!! 
• The midwife will check you often to see how far along you are, relax and let it go, that is the best I can say, for first time moms, the examination can feel a little invasive and intimidating, but try to focus on the fact that not long from then you will be having your beautiful baby on your arms.
• Do the breathing techniques and push that baby out! Always listen to your midwife if you want to save yourself some stitches.   

Now this is a sad part that many don’t like to think of, but it is important to mention, sometimes, all of those things will happen perfectly, you will enjoy a healthy pregnancy with no complications, you will go to labour and all will seem just how I described above, then labour might not progress and you end up having a c-section and it wasn’t your plan, or something worse they might not find a heartbeat and your baby might go to heaven before he/she gets the chance to meet you in person.

The percentage isn’t high, but it happens and we can never prepare ourselves for that. Especially a first time mom, all your dreams for that baby, suddenly destroyed from a moment to the next.  The only thing I can say to you is – You Can Do This!!! 

As sad and painful as this scenario would be if that happened to one of us, if this happens to you, hold your baby, even if it is just for a few minutes, grieve, give yourself time,  cry, sob if you need. It will take time but you will know when to let go. Cling to your faith, family and friends but give yourself time to heal and deal.  

I don’t want to end this post on a sad note, even if it is an important one.

Pregnancy is a magical moment, not a romantic fairy tale like many portrait, the hormones all over the place, we laugh, cry, get angry, sleepy and the list of things goes on, but when we consider all that our body is going through to make sure this baby grows, it is incredible!

No matter where you are on this motherhood journey, I hope you can enjoy the ride, with its ups and downs.

You got this! 

Daniela Kinsella is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.co.uk

If There is Hope, Fight For It

Being a mother is something I have wanted to be as long as I can remember. Today at 41 years of age, I’m able to look back and see things about myself that back when I started the journey I wasn’t able to, maybe due to naivety or just plain ignorance.

One of those things is how I romanticised being married and having kids. I think I wanted my husband and children to fill a void I felt inside, not sure I would have verbalise that back then, but being raised in a religious circle, where it is taught that the women’s roles are mothering and being a help meet to their husbands, and watching closely my aunties, mother,grandmothers and all the women of the church, talk about being a submissive wife, made me want such life, because I looked up to those women.

Even as a child , I loved thinking and observing, I saw happy and sad marriages, mostly from my own christian circles and family, I often wondered why someone would stay in a marriage that love and respect was no longer the goal. People in those circles like to spiritualise everything, not everyone, today I see many churches sending couples to therapy and really trying to support the families, then it was different, people were ashamed to admit they were having issues in their marriage.   

I can think of one aunt in particular, who knew of my uncle’s affair but she felt if she was able to endure it for “God’s sake” one day her husband would see her faithfulness and leave the mistress and finally love his wife till death. It did happen, after all her kids were all married, he was old and his mistress no longer wanted him, he realised she was the one for him and now they are living happily ever after.

It is sad to think that many of us live lives like so, my aunt did what she thought was best for her family, I will not judge her for that, the same way that I don’t want to be judged for not wanting to be in a relationship where love and respect aren’t a priority. 

I truly believed that if a woman did what it is expected of her, and I mean everything …a man will be happy and content with what he has and will never betray or leave the family, I think naive is an understatement to what my ignorant, hopeful personality thought of what marriage was supposed to be like.

Of course I have encountered  amazing families, that seemingly are going super well, where there is fidelity, love, respect, friendship all the good stuff, but that is a state of the moment, there should never be a settlement because people change, values change, it has to be a constant check. Of course commitment is a big thing , without it, I believe it is impossible to have a long lasting relationship.

It can get a little intense to talk about marriage and relationships, I’m not going to keep going on, because truly, I wanted to write about  my expectations.

There are no fairy tales.

 People love and fall out of love, commitment is what keeps a marriage going for certain periods, and yes, like my aunt, having a strong sense of responsibility toward your family may help you to stay committed to the promise you once made, but it should always take two.

What was meant to be a companionship become a duty, a burden, because we can’t give what we don’t have, a person end up empty and even though they are doing what in their eyes is the right thing to do, they end up unhappy, cynical,complainers and do all for “God’s sake”, not sure that is what He wanted for us.

If that is your case, talk to your spouse and if both of you are truly one, you will want to seek help, because when you said I do, you meant you wanted to have that person with you, like a team, together for better or for worse. Becoming one flesh is a powerful statement, what happens when one part of your body is sick? Everything seem to be out of place, it is important to address issues as they come, so the infection is treated before it is spread and it is too late.

My saga will last a lifetime, trying to be hopeful that one day I will be mature enough to know what to expect of people in my life, and also know how much of me I can share with them. No relationship, whether friendship, marriage,parent-child,… is one sided, there is always give and take. 

Maybe it is time for you and I to value ourselves, yes, maintain a positive approach in life and people, but also expect at least the same treatment. 

Marriage is worth fighting for, as long as both are willing to surrender and learn.

A cup of coffee for my head

What is it like to be stuck in the house with 8 active, inquisitive, and sometimes “annoying” children? I get asked that question often, and friends send me sympathy messages like, I am praying for you, or you are my hero… things the sort.

When I get those messages, what comes to mind is, my friend, you have no idea what you are talking about!

Here is the thing, do not get me wrong. All of us moms have challenges; as mothers of 1 or 10 children, each one of us could sit and tell an endless number of stories of how many challenges and joys we have daily in this process of quarantine. I am not trying to make it sound like my life is somehow more difficult than yours; comparing should never be something that mothers should do; we are to encourage each other in this crazy motherhood journey. My friends have taught me so much; they have one or two children. Having 8 children does not make me an expert at anything, but when I think, “ You have no idea what my life is like”, it is because 1 and 8 are pretty different numbers, which is the reality. I appreciate the prayers so much; thank you!

I have 4 stages of childhood around here. Two teens, two pre-teens, two getting there, and two on the pre-school age. The dynamics are intense, and sometimes I fail! Big-time fails.

I want to share an incident that happened last week; mind you, it has been over 5 weeks that we have been home on quarantine, my 8 children and me. By this stage, we are bored, frustrated, and tired.

It was Thursday evening, we had finished dinner, and the children were being loud; I had already asked them to start getting ready for bed; the teens had a screaming meltdown earlier that day, so by this stage, a lot of us were frustrated. So I started cleaning the kitchen when I heard the youngest crying and the others coming shouting: Mommy!! They hurt her, so and so did this and this…

It is tough to even begin to explain what this kind of scenario does to my brain; I had been hearing fights and crying the whole day, and by 7pm, when I heard crying and everyone shouting, I went a little crazy. I shouted louder! I took the children involved in the incident and screamed at them: I told you to stop; I asked you the entire day, why do you not listen to me? I am not going to share all that I said and how the whole situation for the 3 minutes it lasted, but my kids were shocked by my reaction, and so was I.

When things were quieter, and I got to tend to the hurt child and realised it was an accident, my friends, I was that thoughtless, first went to get the ones who hurt the little one instead of tending to the hurt child, who does that??? I did, a tired and overwhelmed mother! Things improved; I apologised, and we cried and prayed together, but even though all seemed ok, I went to bed with a heavy heart; I felt lonely and like a failure. I asked God to help me be a better mom and to protect my family and my mind so I can be the mother He wants me to be. I fell asleep after a good sob.

In the morning, I woke up tired, more tired than usual; it was like a tractor had gone through my body or that I was bitten up during the whole night, I had a shower, and it got worse, and my eyes were sore. Sarah, my baby number 5, told me to go back to bed, and she made breakfast for me; I said I did not need coffee; I like making my own as I can be fussy about my coffee. She made a beautiful omelette; I was so thankful and felt unworthy because of the previous night.

As soon as I finished my breakfast and was going to return to sleep (it was already 11am,) I got a message from one of the children’s teacher, who has become more of a friend since this quarantine started; she lives down the road from me, the message read: “Hey, are you home? I would like to bring something to you.” My first thought was that she had some school stuff, so I texted back and told her I was not feeling the best and was trying to rest. She replied, I am sorry you are feeling poorly l; II was making some Latte for myself and made one for you too, so I thought of dropping it off.

Now, pause and think of how I felt when I read that message…

Guys, Lattes are my favourite kind of coffee. I felt so blessed at that very moment. It was like God told me: “Yes, you blew up last night, but I still love you and care enough to even give you your favourite kind of coffee.” I am crying right now, even thinking of it; it seems silly. He does so many other massive things in my life, real miracles… but somehow, this little blessing made such a difference.
She dropped the coffee and a little note thanking me for all the work I do with the kids and saying that she could imagine how hard it must be for me to do this on my own.

More blessings happened that day; more friends were involved in being God’s hand in my life; I felt him saying:

No matter what happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow, my love for you will never change, and I care for you more than you can comprehend, and yes, I care that you get precisely what you wish for if that is exactly what you need even if it is just a cup of coffee.