Dealing with our Baggage

Once a friend told me that it would be very hard to have another relationship because who would be willing to take on our baggage? In that conversation he was talking about our kids. 

For those who know me, especially those close to me, would know that if I have something to say I will say it and maybe regret doing so later,(that can be tiresome for some people) and in this conversation I felt quite passionate.

 I had been separated just about a year and inside me the thought of my kids being called baggage, which usually is used for something negative, didn’t sit right with me. So, I said my piece, If one day, I’m blessed to meet someone who will love me, I will come with the baggage, but the baggage isn’t my kids! The children will be the bonus, and only someone who truly loves me will be able to see that. 

Pass forward to a year later from that conversation, I believe that more than ever. 

Since my separation I have been into this journey inside myself, trying to find the person once lost, and become someone who I can love, you read it right, I want to learn to truly love myself, have compassion on myself the same way I do for others. I need to love me to be able to love others, forgive myself like I do for others. 

Finding out I’m a co-dependent, people pleaser, love and attention seeker, has caused an impact on me, it is not nice to be aware of the behaviours that could once again cause me a lot of pain, so I observe and try to protect myself from myself and along the way from getting hurt again.
Back to the baggage, those are mine! 

 My children are the blessings that came out of love, and even though circumstances have changed, the love I felt when I found out about being pregnant or the first time, I saw each of them, the joy that I had in my heart then, has not changed. They are no baggage!  Yes, they have been hurt, and they have a baggage of their own that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives, but they are amazing human beings, and I will never want to be with anyone who thinks otherwise. 

Today is Mother’s Day in Ireland, and I confess that since my separation, significant days as such aren’t really something I enjoy. 

For the past few years, I have become melancholic, a bit cynical and because of my “baggage” I struggle with a lot of deep emotions. I know these emotions and feelings aren’t going to go away suddenly, but I need to try to make sense of all that has happened and is happening in my life.

Today is a new day to try, yesterday was a day to let go of something, tomorrow is a day to welcome something new, every day is a learning process. 

For years, I wanted to be celebrated on Mother’s Day, many years I wanted my husband, children, friends and family to acknowledge my hard work as a mother. I tried my best and wanted to be recognised. Not sure why I needed so much affirmation, but today I see it differently, I’m not just a blessing of a mother I am blessed to be a mother. My children aren’t just blessed to have me, I’m blessed to have them. 

Sometimes I can feel lonely and a bit down considering all that is yet to unfold in my life, while thinking of each of my children and all that will unfold in their lives. It is overwhelming to consider everything, but this is also part of the process. No one has it easy, some have it easier, but we all have our battles and that is mine to fight, with or without someone else in my life.

To all the Mothers trying to do it solo, for those who are doing it with their husbands, those who have the support of family and friends, no matter how you are doing it, remember : You are blessed to be a mother , it is a gift that was given to us so let us do our best and maybe one day we will see the fruits of our hard work.

A Fine Sunday Afternoon

When my children were little and I was constantly pregnant, we used to spend rainy days playing indoors.

My baby number 6 was born when my eldest was 6 years old. As you can imagine, my life was very different than now. In those exhausting pregnancy days I would put all the toys on the living room floor, and let them play while I had a snooze on the couch. 

 Anyone who has had a child or worked with children can probably imagine the dynamics that went on while I had what many would call “ personal creche/playschool”, during some of that stage, some of my friends were older women that had been through similar lives, many times I was encouraged by their grace and wisdom. 

One thing that they all told me was: One day, you will look back and miss those days! I remember thinking and sometimes my honest, blunt self would also say out loud: I doubt I will ever miss this stage! They were very hard going days, I don’t regret any of that, of course when I look back there are few things that I would probably do differently, but this post isn’t about that.

 Today I decided to replicate a normal Sunday afternoon that we used to have.  We had an Irish fry, and for the first time in a long time, all 9 of us had lunch around the table without arguments. After lunch  myself and the little ones had a relaxing moment, they played with toys as I enjoyed a couch time. 

Since my separation it is almost as if I avoid fun, avoid doing anything that reminds me of the old. I think healing is finally happening, I know I’m not there yet but I’m getting there, because today for a chunk of my day, I made an effort to enjoy times that reminded me of fun times.

As I lay here on the couch with the fire on, toys on the ground and my youngest ones quietly playing, my heart was filled with joy and thankfulness.  

Life for sure will never be what once was, and being completely honest I wouldn’t want it to be, but I’m starting to believe that life can definitely be better  than it ever was. 

Having now three teens, few  others coming up to that stage in less than 2 years,  others in between 5-8 years old, I can say that I do miss those days where I was in control, all they wanted was to be with mummy (that hasn’t changed yet), the dynamics are different, there is a maturity that comes with time. 

Today they came, played for maybe an hour and disappeared, but the beauty of it and the difference between today and then, is that today I had no worries, a toddler isn’t walking around probably drawing on walls (although that still happens sometimes) or I’m not thinking of a child falling down the stairs, breaking something. I’m sure you can understand the worries that go on a young mother of many young children, I’m not saying there are no worries now, but they are for sure very different. 

I’m glad I took time to enjoy my family today and I hope I will be doing this more often, enjoy the moment and heal in the process.

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What did I see?

During the first two weeks of November when I was walking 10k steps a day, I had few lovely moments with nature and God.

Walking and admiring nature, at my local park, brought me to a different understanding of God, somehow He became more personal to me.

Some days the experience was deep and meaningful others I didn’t feel anything at all.

To motivate me to keep going I wrote few rhymes to describe what I saw around me.

As days went by, stuff started happening and few days in I had no more words, life became grey, thankfully clouds don’t last forever and here I am to share it with you.

November 2nd –

I went on a walk what did I see?

I saw a flooded lake and bare autumn trees.

November 3rd –

I went on a walk today what did I see?

I saw the lake meeting the tree.

I walked and wondered what nature would show me today?

I looked around and saw a blue sky and a bright sunny day.

November 4th

Not everyday the world will feel cheerful and bright

Some days we won’t be able to see the light

But even in the dark sorrowful days we can find poetry

And in the middle of ruins we may find beauty.

November 5th

I went on a walk what did I feel?

I felt lonely and sad, like a fish on a reel

I looked around, What did I see?

I saw the world looking at me.

It felt like a dream, foggy and cold

The reflections in the water reminding me of the old.

I got out of that mood because there is more to life

than wonder around looking for reasons to strife.

Those photos were all taken at my local park, and each taken on the day I wrote the rhymes.

If if you ever visit Co. Monaghan , Lough Muckno Leisure Park is definitely a place you would not be disappointed.

Here are some shots I took since we moved to this area.

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