Coward!

Deciding to stand up for myself was not something that came naturally. Family, friends, and counselling were crucial in this journey of healing I am going through.

It took me a while to realise how bad my situation was, I wanted to change and take control of my decisions, but it was like I had no power. My mind would play tricks on me, I know now that those were lies that unfortunately was ingrained on me during my childhood.

Having been brought up in a conservative Evangelical Christian way, did not help when it came to the time of saying enough is enough, I am not blaming religion or any church for how I managed things but having grown up in an “society “where marriage is more sacred than an individual, was not good for me.

Sometimes, my mind would have clarity and I knew exactly what I had to do, but thoughts of the children and how each would be affected by my decisions, or how other people would view me, would make me stop and reconsider everything again. Sadly, as I see it now, all those above reasons were selfish. The truth is, there was one child that needed healing, protection and help and I was the only person in the world that could have helped, and I was a COWARD!

This is the first time I say that word about myself: coward. I know many will disagree, and yes, I have learned to accept the fact that everything that happened, led me to act that way, or let us say, not act at all. I was frozen! Numb! Walking dead. Had my eyes not been opened that September 2018, If I had stayed in that situation, I would not be here today to share this piece with you. I would either be dead or in a mental health hospital.

Toxic, that is what it was. Keeping all in, avoiding confrontation, pretending all is ok are great ways to kill yourself slowly. I chose to stop, but again it took time, and it is taking time. I have been writing this blog for almost 2 years now and I have never talked about these things here because I felt the need to make everyone happy, I worried about what my readers, not so close friends and acquaintances would think of me and my family.

It is like I am learning to walk and talk again, after the shock of experiencing the deepest sadness I had ever experienced and that took almost 2 years, for the past year I have been rediscovering a new me, yes! I am working on me; I want to be a good role model to my children.

I want to be real. Do you know what that means? It means to be someone who I enjoy the company of. Myself, my children and those closest to me will benefit of a Dani who is authentic. I am also choosing to be kind to myself, because although I mentioned the word coward, I know what I did was a reaction to the trauma I was living, I have forgiven myself, and will have to revisit that decision few times before I am completely healed.

 I am working on never having to use that word on myself again!

Birthdays and Family Traditions

I accepted a challenge to write a blog post daily for a month, and because today we have a birthday in the house, I decided to write about it.

When it comes to birthdays, we have a few family traditions, like breakfast in bed, a personal date with the birthday child, a breakfast date has become quite popular among the older children these days, and a cake with the family by the end of the day. We did few birthday parties for the ones that have theirs during the summer, but early on I found out that I am not the right person to organise parties. It would end up very chaotic by the end and the child would end up not really enjoying it because their mom was stressed the entire day.

Today my philosophy is, the simpler the better, if the child feels loved and accepted, all efforts are appreciated.

I often laugh at the fact that five of my eight children have birthdays close to each other. Two in December and 3 in January. Springs must have been a busy time at our house few years ago 😊!

Since I became a single mom, I have tried to stick to the traditions, it is not always easy, but I try to take the child on a date and then have a cake with everyone else in the evening.

I do not know if you read my last post about us all having covid now, but that situation made it a little challenging to know what to do for Lucy’s birthday.

Lucy is my youngest child, only few birthdays but almost each of them she has spent either in hospital with asthma issues or at home sick, seems that there is always something happening on her day.

 Becky’s birthday was on Monday, so the moment it ended, Lucy could talk about nothing else but her sixth birthday that was coming up, Tuesday we got our first positive test for covid, and poor Lucy got her positive on Wednesday.

She was so angry: I hate Covid! she said. Why do I always get sick on my birthdays, it is not fair!

I told her I would find a way to do something and then when we are better, we can do our proper date.

Thanks to my amazing neighbours, we had a cake and cupcakes, I was well enough this noon, so I took Lucy on a drive, we went to one of my favourite spots and had one hour for ourselves. We had homemade pizza and fish cakes and she is happy enough

How do you celebrate your children’s birthdays?

Here are the links of little videos I made to register the birthday we had this month.

Judah turned 14! Here it is!

Becky turned 13! My sweet girl.

Lucy turned 6! My forever baby 🙂

To Detox

How do you get rid of toxic things in your life? Whether they are thoughts, habits, or people; how do you set your boundaries to protect yourself from future pain?

I struggle to get rid of things that are not good for me. Sometimes simple things that have a negative effect in my life. Like for example, going to bed late, staying in bed once I am awake, or a sweet treat with a coffee during the day, or people that just do not add any positive things in my life, but I insist to check on them not realising the affect that action can cause in my life afterwards.

Few months ago, I have experienced being cut off from someone’s life without any explanation, which made me do a deep check. What makes someone toxic? How can I work on myself, so I do not become a person that people I love want to be away from?

I like deep thinking, but I must watch myself, because once I am aware of my weakness I become determined to change. But changing the core of your existence is frustratingly difficult. I have realised that the person I am now, with all my baggage, is not the same person I once thought I was. Did I change? Am I just a product of the past fifteen years?

On the quest of understanding why someone would feel the need to block me out of their life, I started looking at my own personality. I know I have a caring nature, and I like that about myself, but I realise that it can be too much. For many people, having someone checking in on them several times a day can feel invasive and uncomfortable.

It was an interesting experience to think that even kind people can be considered toxic in different circumstances, and if they are not adding anything good to our lives, it would be wise to cut them off. Of course, there are kind ways of doing it, but I do not need to go into that.

Once I became aware of my own toxicity and that we can have the purest thoughts toward someone, you are still not free from being considered toxin for them if what your wishes are, are not what they want for themselves. The awareness of it helped me to let go, but it was a great lesson that I am thankful I had, because it opened my eyes to the need to cleansing the toxicity in my own life.

I have been navigating ways to slowly eliminate things that have a negative impact on me. I realise when I am not healthy and fit (which I am not) it is more likely that I might make poor choices in all areas of my daily life.

Last Saturday my neighbour called to invite me to a 9-day detox. She had used that program before and thought of me when she decided to try it again. I got excited because I have been wanting to try something different to get me back into a healthier living.

I started on Monday the 10^th, I am on my third day and so far, it is going well. Once I am finished, I plan in writing a review of my experience and challenge you to join me the next time I try.

I want to change not because it will make someone else happy, although my family and friends would benefit of it too, but I will like myself better. I am the person who spends the most time with myself, therefore I deserve to have the best Dani there is. Healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually.

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Housing Crisis and Single Parents

“Mommy, I don’t like sleeping here. 

“ You can go to the other room, there is more space, your sister is going to sleep in the cottage tonight. I said, trying to give her more options.

“ No mommy, I don’t mean the couch, I mean the mobile home. It feels like the whole place is going to fall on top of me.”

“Don’t worry about it, we will be ok. God will protect us. This house is a blessing, many kids in Brazil are living on the streets right now.  I said, also with a cracking voice… of course I wouldn’t tell her that I have fears too,  many nights I cry in the dark, praying that someone out there will agree to rent a house for us. I also wonder if this mobile home will last much longer. 

You might be wondering what it is all about,  I will tell you a little..

I am a mother of many!  I am separated! I am a foreigner and I am homeless!

For the past four months, I have had to explain myself to many people, shared details of my story to strangers, I’ve had to explain that all my children were born of one marriage, that their father is Irish and that I have lived in this country almost 19 years, just so I could past people’s preconceived ideas of what they have in mind for a foreigner, single mother of 8 children and if I am honest, in the past, I would have had few judgemental thoughts on that too.

Social workers, politicians, the social housing department, women’s aid, and a few other agencies, cannot help me on this matter.

Friends and family have reached out too, some have prayed for and with me, others tried calling different governmental agencies, the situation is the same.

I have applied for most houses around, Real estate agencies, won’t even reply to my applications, landlords when answering phone calls, tell me they will let me know, but of course a few days later the house won’t be online anymore and you will never again hear from them.

I have the means to pay rent,  good references, always paid my rent on time and kept the house in good condition, sometimes better than when I moved in. 

This housing crisis is real! By the time I apply ,there are probably already 50 other applicants, with less kids, better jobs and not a single parent with 8 kids. 

This is a true saga, friends, the story of my life… has anything ever happened to you that you think, Wow, I never imagined this happening to me?  for the past few years, almost everything that has happened to my family can be classified as “ Something I have never imagined possible”

It is almost 00hrs, I’m sitting on the sofa bed(where I sleep most of the nights) in the living room of the mobile home, listening to one of my kids snoring by my side. With tears pouring down my face, I try to make sense of how I got here. My mind, of course, reminds me of happenings, situations, things that I’d rather not think about, reminding me where it all started, when it all started. It is a vicious cycle that I’m looking forward to changing. 

I’m sorry this post is depressing, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered but I need to be honest when I write. This blog is real, this life is real, I don’t ever want to fake it, and tonight I have no energy to explain details of how I end up living in the back garden of a friend/relatives, in a mobile home. Story for another post.

Tonight I need God so much, I need His peace, His presence, I know that what I told my daughter earlier was true, there are many people in much worse situations, but unfortunately knowing people are suffering all around the world does not change the fact that tonight my heart aches for my own family and I wish for me and the kids to have a home  that we could move on with our lives.

The Survival Mode Of a Single-parent

That week was strange, I usually deal with things strangely. I put on a survival mode and keep going.

My child was given a bed in a room that was shared with other kids with various different health conditions, and because there was nothing they could actually do, as there was no psychiatric ward for children in the hospital, the nurses checked on us also CAHMS “ Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service”, was called and they visited my child at the hospital.

Throughout the week I was by their bedside. I have a friend who lives closer to the hospital and let me stay for a few nights as the hospital chair was not very comfortable to sleep in. The hospital put a nurse that sat by my child’s side the whole night, they became friends even. Every morning around 9 am I would arrive and stay with them till about 8 pm.

I usually share my life openly, but what happened was different. It is not something you post on facebook. I felt low, but I had to be strong. I texted a few friends and my  family in Brazil, they checked on us daily through phone calls, texts and prayers. I felt loved.

One friend from Dublin, the moment I told her what was happening, she bought pyjamas, underwear and toiletries supplies and drove up to Drogheda at the hospital, to give them to me. Words can not express the feeling I got from seeing her there and how happy my child was when she saw there was a love gift for her in the bag, with goodies and comfy socks . One night she ordered pizza and got it delivered at the hospital for me and my child. It made us both feel special.

Few friends from Brazil checked on me daily, talking through what would be my action plan to prevent this kind of situation from happening again.

The family that helped me when we had to go in the ambulance, was also there to assist during the week. A Brazilian friend also drove to my house and to the hospital to bring clothes and supplies to us.

Those days when I felt so low, I got to experience the love  and care from my friends, but at the same time it was the first time that I realised that I couldn’t keep going like this, I can’t live far from my support bubble, my situation isn’t so easy, if I had one or two children it would be different, but eight children and a traumatic life story, how am I going to cope?

Your child self-harming or actually killing themselves, aren’t things that you put on your list of things that could happen to you and prepare for it. Not in a million years would I or anyone be prepared for such a thing to happen, so when this happened, I went on an emergency mode. What can I do to prevent this from happening again to this child or to any of my other children?  

The children’s aunt kept me updated on how they were doing throughout the week. She took care of them,did school runs, homework and made sure they were ok. She has been a crucial person in my life since my separation, and now, knowing she was with the kids, allowed me to focus on that particular child in a time they needed.

During our time in Hospital, we had few conversations. I asked my child what would have made them want to end their life? The answer was : I wanted you to see me,mummy! I wanted you to see my pain, I put a face to my pain. 

As a parent, it is hard to accept or admit that a lot of our children’s pains go unnoticed. I knew this child was struggling, I tried to “help” by having long night conversations, allowing them to stay home when school and other places felt overwhelming for them, I had called CAHMS, few months earlier to help us as they were having suicidal thoughts before. My child had already been discharged from their services for over 3 weeks before this had happened, we were told my child was no longer in danger. Now, here we were, if psychiatrists couldn’t have  detected that my child needed urgent help, how could I? 

During the week, the psychiatrist from CAHMs and a Tusla representative came to visit and talk to us about action plans. Overwhelmed is an understatement of how I felt. The options were:

1- Send the child to a friend or family that could care for them on a more one-on-one basis. It was also suggested that I bring someone from my family to be with us for a while to help me, so I would have more time for the kids.

And to that I ask you… 

Would you send your suicidal child to a friend or a family member? Or as a friend, Would you say yes to keeping my child, knowing that some very dark thoughts are going through their brain?

Who could I ask to come?

2- If I chose to bring the child home, the suggestion was : Get a box with a lock, put all the dangerous things that your child could use to self-harm and you keep the keys to the lock around your neck, so you are the only one that has access to it. On the list of things that are dangerous were all my kitchen knives, medicine,scissors and a few other things.

And I asked:

How will I explain to the younger children why I am walking around with a Necklace that has a key on it? 

And what will I do with my anxiety with such responsibility?

By the end of the week, the plan was : The child goes home, YAP – Youth Advocate Program was introduced. Every week, a lady would come and spend some time with the child, take them out on walks and assist them or me in whatever we needed.  I organised someone to come and help me for a few months, and even though I was still so worried about how it would all develop, I was hopeful.

The YAP programme took a few weeks to happen. I decided my child should sleep with me for a while so I could keep an eye and ear during the night. Looking back now, I know I was just surviving, I’m still not sure I did enough, could my child see and feel how much love I have for them? How devastated I was? I felt all of what was going on reflected on my parenting but I didn’t know what to do.

By January we had everything put into place. A good friend from Brazil came and stayed with us for 3 months, she helped me a lot. The YAP program was really helpful too, my child connected well with the Youth Advocate and we saw a lot of improvements on their outlook in life.

I have to say that even though it was a dark time for me spiritually, I can now see that God never left our side. I tried to leave his side,  I was angry, but I never felt He left me, even in the darkest of times.

I have a lot to say, but it has to be filtered. All I share is a little of what actually happened, I still cry thinking about those months but unfortunately life doesn’t always go the way we want and hope for, as I share a bit of what my life has been like since that happening, I hope I will be able to make more sense of it on my own mind and also bless someone who is going through the same.

Since starting those posts I have received quite a lot of private messages of other mothers going through similar situations. Motherhood is hard, but no one can prepare you for the heartache we go through when we see one of our children suffering, the hopeless feeling when you have no idea what to do to stop your child’s pain.

In all of that, I have to say, Covid 19 and lock downs didn’t help, counselling, therapy and other services could only take place over the phone. I’m just so thankful for YAP.

I will stop here for now… but it is to be continued…

When being Alone Hits Home

*Trigger Warning : Mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.*

Tuesday, November 16th

We had a good day.

It had been a hard few weeks. The past few days had been intense; a precious kitten had died and we had a few important things happen during the weekend. But this Tuesday was a good day. I was even surprised during the day, when, on my grocery shopping trip I received a message from my child saying, “I had a good day, Mom! I learned how to play a new song and I enjoyed my day. I’m happy!”

For a parent, when you know your child has been through hard times and often struggles to remain positive, it is such a relief to read or hear the words, “I’m happy today, Mom!”

I usually have my phone on silent, and this night was no different. I went to bed around midnight, and everything seemed normal. 

Buzz, buzz.

I was awakened by the sound of my phone vibrating by my bedside. Before I answered it I looked at the clock. It was 3 AM. Who would call at this time? So many thoughts went through my mind. In the past when receiving late phone calls, it was often bad news from my family in Brazil, but this time it was an Irish number.

I got up quickly and answered. “Hello,” I said, still a bit sleepy.

“Is that Ms. Kinsella?” a male voice on the other side of the phone asked gently.

“Yes, this is she,” I answered, already expecting something terrible to have happened. 

“Ms. Kinsella, this is the emergency department, your child has contacted the help line, and they are on the phone with us. They are locked in the bathroom and trying to harm themselves. Please, go to them and stay close till we arrive, we will be there in a few minutes.”

My heart started to beat so fast. I quickly ran downstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Please, open the door,” I asked, trying to be as calm as possible.

“No, I won’t open it till they arrive.”

I cannot describe how I felt at that moment. Not only was my child trying to end their life, but they also did not want to talk to me. 

“I will stay here till they arrive, please don’t hurt yourself. We love you!” I said with a crack in my voice, trying to control myself.

With all that they had gone through, I would never judge them for feeling so low and I was proud that they called for help.

I could hear their phone on loudspeaker. They were talking to the person from the helpline and he was being kind to them, saying he would stay on the line till the ambulance arrived and asking them to throw away the pills and scissors.

My heart was racing. At this point their whole life was flashing through my mind. I remembered finding out I was pregnant, when they started walking, their joyful laughs and how happy they always made everyone feel. How did it come to this? Oh God, please help my child.

A few minutes later, the ambulance arrived and not long after the police came too. Some questions were asked and answered. The paramedics told me my child would have to be brought to the hospital as they were very distressed and they could try to self harm again. 

“Ms. Kinsella, do you have anyone you can call to come stay with the kids for you to go to the hospital with your child?

It was 4 AM, I didn’t know who to call. This was my first time realising how alone I was. Oh Lord, how am I going to do this? Who will mind the kids? What if this happens again?

My mind raced, feeling terrible at the thought of waking up friends to come stay with my kids. I know it is pride, but I feel terrible to ask people for help when I know all of us have things to deal with.

I swallowed my pride and called my friends that lived 20 minutes away.

“Sorry to bother you at this time, but I need your help,” I said, already crying and shaking. 

“I will be there as fast as I can,” he answered.

His family had been very supportive of me, when I decided to move back to Co. Monaghan, and I knew I could count on them, but what if I needed more help? What if something worse happened?

At that time I also tried to call a family relative who has always been there for me and the kids. Of course, it was during the night and she only got my message in the early morning. She lived 5 hours away but the moment she got the message and missed calls she was on her way to be with the children. My friend helped the kids to school and arranged things. It was a tremendous help to know my children were being cared for while I was in hospital.

To be continued…

Count Each Day

Happy new Year everyone! 

For those of you who wondered where I was gone since my last post, you know, the post where I wrote about my many goals for the month of November, well, well. 

Things didn’t turn out exactly how I had envisioned, many unplanned obstacles came our way and changed a lot the course of the end of the year for me and the children.

Thankfully, I have an amazing family and friends, people that have encouraged me during what I could call so far, some of the hardest days of this single parent journey of mine. 

I have had moments of real hopelessness, it is strange how our brain plays tricks on us, those are the times we need friends in our lives that will talk to us and put some sense back into our minds or just be there to listen so we can find our own way back to reason.

During the month of December , my baby number seven became 7 years old and my first born became 16! I am blessed!

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For those who have been asking, we had a quiet but nice Christmas. 

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Few days before Christmas, 7 of my 8 children were sick with a cold, one child was tested for covid but it came back negative and because the others had similar symptoms the doctor didn’t feel it was necessary to test them all. 

Few days before Christmas to few days after the New year’s, we were miserable in bed, the quietness of the house was really nice,  there is not much we can do for them but to cuddle , and that is my favourite part of sick days. I don’t think I had cuddled my kids for the past year as much as I did on those sick days.  There was a day where my youngest was on my belly the whole day, it was sweet and made me think of my early days as a young mother, tired and worried. If I only knew then that cuddles are the best cure I would have cuddled so much more.

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On the 7th of January, my only son turned 13!!

It was also a snow day; we woke up to all white roads.

At first, we were both disappointed because we had planned to go out and get a drive thru McDonalds breakfast, we usually do breakfast in bed, but this time we decided to change.

We had to change our plans and went on a walk. It was lovely!

I won’t describe the whole day, but this was the first birthday he didn’t get a cake, and yet, by the end of the day he hugged me, said, I love you mom! This was my best birthday yet!!  Success Friends!

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In March 2020 when our first lockdown happened, I was not happy that our life had to change again, we spent a few months in survival mode, things settled by the end of May, when the schoolwork was no longer an issue and living in Dunmore East, that is one of the most beautiful villages I have been to in Ireland, was a great advantage. I don’t think we have walked as much as we did during that lockdown. Looking back, I can say it was challenging but we learned a lot about each other.

Now, we live in a different county, all the children are enrolled in school and again on a level 5 lockdown. 

The children were supposed to be back to school on the 7th of January after the Christmas break, the government extended the holidays to the 11th and very soon after announced that the children will be doing online school till the end of January. 

Covid-19 is no joke! 

Here we are, 11th of January and trying to do this home-schooling thing that once sounded like the best method of education and now it is like a monster coming to hunt me. 

Well, not that bad. 

I will try to post more about this crazy journey of mine. 

Life sometimes doesn’t go the way we wish or plan but it is during those trying times that we learn more about ourselves and those around us, we just need to have eyes open wide to see the beauty in challenges (I’m not there yet) 

May we all try to live each day as it comes, Rain or shine, snow or not and may we make each day counts and transform it in one of the best days yet!

November, the Month of Goals!

For many years I have wanted to join a November challenge and actually stick to it. I guess I was never taken by any of the ideas that were out there.

A few weeks ago I saw a Facebook post about a 300.000 steps challenge for the month of November to raise funds for a charity that I’m very passionate about, Barnardos!

During the past 18 years I have lived in Ireland I have heard and seen Barnardos involved in many projects to help children and families in this country and around the world, that is why I decided to embrace the cause.

I have already started to practice to get my 10K steps daily for the past week and so far things are going well.

Also for the month of November I have set a goal to get my spiritual life into a place of surrender, to write a daily post, make a daily YouTube video for my Portuguese Channel and continue with my weight loss regime. I know it seems like a lot of goals for one month but I think we need those to keep us going ,besides they are all good goals that will for sure improve my life in many ways.

If you would like to help me on this you can donate on the link I will leave down bellow https://www.facebook.com/donate/402663120898932/

I don’t know what next month holds for me but I know what I hold for it.

Roll on November, I’m waiting for you!

Gratitude

Gratitude, thankfulness, or gratefulness, from the Latin word gratus ‘pleasing, thankful’, is a feeling of appreciation felt by and/or similar positive response shown by the recipient of kindness, gifts, help, favors, or other types of generosity, towards the giver of such gifts. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gratitude

There is a lot I would like to write about, but this morning I woke up with this bursting feeling of gratitude, and I felt it was the perfect subject to get back to writing.

As I sit listening to Hillsong worship playlist, children playing around, my heart is smiling. I know that tomorrow this feeling might change, something might go wrong, but today everything is ok, and ok is good! 

I’m thankful that my children are healthy, that I have friends and family that love and care for us, thankful that God provided a perfect house for us to live, also knowing my limitations He brought some “angels” to care and carry me during a very dark time of my life. 

My heart is so full of thankfulness as I write, tears rolling down my face at the feeling of this kind of love, I think of what my life could have been like had He not intervened, had He not stretched out his hand to save and protect me.  

There was a time in my life back in 2018/2019 when my father was sick in Brazil, my marriage ended and I went into a survival mode, I didn’t know how I would be able to visit my dad before it was too late, I couldn’t share all that was going on here as I felt it would be selfish to do so considering all they were going through over there. 

I feel that time was the beginning of how I started to truly understand how much God loved me. A friend made a go fund me page, in days with the help of my church and of many friends all over the world  we had the amount of money I needed to take me and my 2 youngest to see my dad for 10 days, my church friends organised to take care of the other 6 children and I was able to go in peace knowing they would be well looked after. I remember being in the air plane thinking about it all and praising Jesus for his mercies.

Spending the past two and half years among the Amish – Mennonite Community has helped me to understand Christian love, and how God will help us when there is a  group of faithful people willing to be His hands and feet here on earth. 

This morning I thought of all of that and so much more that has happened during the past few years, there were so many sad negative things happening at that time that I struggled back then to see how God was lovingly taking care of my needs in a way I never imagined possible and because life is made of choices, today I chose to take the day to be Thankful!

Sometimes when we are hurting it is hard to see the light shining, but choosing to look at the positive helps us to find goodness and beauty in the most unexpected places.

Today I’m grateful for the friends I made in Dunmore East, for the support I received while there, I’m thankful that in the darkest time of my adult life so far, God revealed himself to me in a way that made it impossible not to trust He was with me and would never let go of me no matter what was to happen, and that feeling has only increased since.

I’m happy to be back here! Leave a Hi in the comments and if there is a subject you would like me to write about please leave a suggestion on the comments as well.

Quarantine Saga OF A Single Mom of 8

Laughing, crying, and shouting mixed with smiles, hugs, and kisses.

These have been my days since I became a single parent of 8.

Two years ago I became what I never had dreamed of, the thing I feared the most had become my reality. My husband of 15 years, with whom I had built a beautiful family, was now just a visitor.

It took a while for the idea to sink in. Being a single parent with 8 children was an incredibly sad thought indeed.
For the past 6 weeks we have been in quarantine here in Ireland, the children are home 24/7 and life has taken a little turn to a place that I am learning to appreciate.

When my husband left our home in September 2018, I was devastated, poor and felt completely lost. I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry for weeks, like we see in movies when they go through a breakup. Usually there is a sad song, a bottle of wine or ice cream and the actor will cry to her friends while she tries to make sense of all that just happened. Well, unfortunately, when you have children (in my case 8 of them) and no family living near me, you cannot just stop your life to recover, you must keep going. Your crying moments are in the darkest hours in the midst of the night after you finally managed to end your day and get them all to fall asleep.

In October 2019 I decided to go back to education. It was like life was finally starting to have a new normal. I became a student trying to learn a new skill to get a job and be more independent. I had been home for the past 14 years. Being a stay-at-home mom was something that I had been passionate about but now things were different; everything looked grey.

This was going to be the year of change for me. The year that all my dreams of being a perfect, stay-at-home Christian mom was going to be put away and the new business woman mom was going to come from somewhere deep inside of me, and I would discover all those amazing business skills that I did not know were there before. I would find the perfect job and never again need any government assistance or depend on my ex’s maintenance. Of course I would still be a very present mother. I would spend the weekends playing with the children, baking, and having fun would be all I would do.

I hope you were able to picture those dreams just like I did when I planned what my 2020 was going to be. I exaggerate a little as I am writing, but I guess us mothers like to dream, we imagine a world where we love doing the things that we are supposed to do. Do not get me wrong, I love being a mom and although I was never the perfect stay-at-home mom and will never be the business kind either, I dreamed because that is what kept me going when times got tough. I prayed and I dreamed.

Fortunately, it did not take long for me to wake up to the reality that my days as a stay-at-home mom are not over yet. I realised that even though life is stressful right now, and parenting alone is extremely hard, there is nothing else I would rather do. Honestly, there is not one day that goes by where I do not feel that I am just living inside a nightmare or a joke; that at some point I am going to wake up to find my life back to what it used to be five years ago. If back then someone told me that in 2020 I would be separated, being a lone parent and the entire world would be in the middle of a pandemic and because of that, as if that was not enough, I would be told to stay indoors and home-school, I would say that person was crazy! Because crazy is how I would describe all that is going on right now.

Many would ask,  how do I do this? What are my days like? 
Laughter, crying and shouting, smiles, hugs, and kisses, 
that is how I do it, one day at the time.