Life Lessons Through a Pipe

For the past few months I have started a deep soul searching. Trying to discover my own identity after a marriage breakup is not the most enjoyable thing to do, but I figured if I wanted to be a better version of myself I would have to work hard to deal with the issues that were uncovered by digging deep.

Anyone who is close enough to me knows that I have had a problem with leakage in my house boiler. It’s been months since my landlord came to fix it and a new issue arose. A few days ago I noticed the leak was back and this time quite bad. I called my landlord and he came very fast. After checking, he discovered the leak was coming from the attic, and again, anyone who knows me, knows that I always ask questions. I asked how come a pipe in an attic would leak out of the blue? Could something specific have damaged it? His answer was simple, but in my view it was so profound, he said, “ The problem was there from the beginning, the person who installed it, bought the cheapest pipe, normally it should have lasted a lifetime, but trying to do a quick, cheap job the person fixed the problem at first not thinking of the future.”

I thought about that for the entire day, how deep is that? We all do this at some stage in our lives, we start relationships, friendships, businesses and the list goes on, sometimes because of our own insecurities we jump into something that at first seem attractive and good for us, we make ourselves believe the issues aren’t there. I’m sure the person who bought that pipe didn’t think there was an issue with it, it looked good and cheap, perfect combination right? I have gone for cheap stuff many times and ended up regretting it big time!

My landlord decided to replace the entire pipe, he tried to mend it many times just to start leaking in a different spot. Wow!!! To me that was another teaching!

Many times I try to mend my wounds by patching it together but as soon as it is touched, the issues are back and sometimes worse than it was when it was patched in the first place. Certain things need a real fixing and sometimes a total replacement will be needed.

Now, had my landlord done some well needed house maintenance during all these years that he has owned this house, he would probably have found out about the problem and fixed it before it damaged other parts of the house. I think that is what we sometimes do with our relationships, because everything seems to be going well, we take it for granted and forget to do a check up now and again to make sure all parts of it are running smoothly. Life gives us warning signs, then we patch it and keep going, finding out later that it was never fixed and it actually caused a problem somewhere else.

I realise now that I’m a broken human being, and it isn’t because someone broke me, I can’t blame that on my marriage break up, that was just another leak in my life, there are things deep within me that I need to address before it becomes so big that it will burst causing a worse damage. Being aware of my weaknesses and brokenness is the beginning of fixing or replacing the part that is damaged.

Trying to do a maintenance check-up on myself is painful but so far has helped me identify a lot of little leakages that can be fixed and big ones that need attention and time, but the day I can label it “ Fully Serviced” it will be such a good feeling knowing I will be a better human being, Christian, Mother and friend. For all that to happen takes time and hard work, no more procrastination, no more sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I think I’m finally in a place where God can work on me, being aware of my own issues, and admitting that it is all too much to process on my own, opens up a door for him to come and help me to sort it all out and make me whole again.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. -Psalm 51:17

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

The Husband I longed for.

I have gone through so many distinct stages since I have become a single mom of 8. There are days when the fact that I am the only adult responsible for the lives of 8 children is overwhelming and scary, and there are other days when I feel God’s presence in it all, and that brings a lot of peace to my heart.

The story I will share happened sometime in early November of 2019. I was going through a very dark period when I questioned my life.

I was having one of those ranting moments while driving home from college. I was thinking about where I was at in my life. It could have been that college was too challenging, or my day was so full I did not know how I would get it all in, but for whatever reason, I was terribly upset.

With tears pouring down my face, playing Lauren Daigle on Spotify, I drove talking to God. Well, it was not really a talk; it was more like a cry-out. I started to think of what it would have been like to have had a husband that was a stable Christian man, someone who loved me so much that he would protect and cherish me. I asked, “Why is all this happening to me, Lord? What did I do to deserve this?” I looked around and saw a house that myself and my husband used to drive by and talk about how much we would have loved to buy our own home. I cried. There were so many dreams and hopes. Then it was like a movie going through my mind. You know those movies where the guy loves the girl but is her best friend and is too afraid to share his feelings because he knows she loves someone else? Then a lot happens, and only at the end of the movie, she realises that she loves her best friend and not the jerk she had been running after. Well, that was the thought I had in my mind. I asked, “Lord, why do I not get that kind of a friend? Someone who will stick around even when I obviously am not into him, someone who will be there during my crying and laughter, not because he wants something in return but because he loves me?”

As you can see, I really opened my deepest feelings to him. I just wanted to be loved no matter what; the pain of rejection and betrayal was heavy that day. I asked him, “Why, why? How am I going to do this on my own? I never imagined one day being a single mom.”

As soon as I quieted down, a song I had heard before but never really paid attention to started playing. Here are the words:

You are not hidden
There has never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It is true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You are not defenceless
I will be your shelter
I will be your Armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It is true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It is true, I will rescue you

Suddenly, my heart was filled with joy, a REAL joy. It is hard to explain as I had NEVER felt it before, not even when I became a Christian 30 years ago. I started to laugh, and this deep love came to me. I heard Jesus! He spoke very clearly into my heart, “I am the husband you are looking for, the friend who loves you no matter what, the one who will stick around even when you obviously don’t seem interested, the one who will be here waiting for the moment to be noticed.” I started to sob like a crazy lady! I can only imagine what other people driving by must have thought of me. At that moment, I fell in love with Jesus; I noticed him, my best friend, the husband who will always be faithful, loving, and never leave, no matter what! What a revelation that was. My stomach still gets butterflies when I remember that day.

In my most profound sorrow, He showed up. I do not know what you are going through, but if, like me, sometimes you need to be reminded, here it is.

You are loved beyond what you can ever comprehend. He will never leave. He will supply your needs. Your life might remain stuck in messy situations for the time being but He has promised that He will never leave you, He will fight for you and wipe away your tears. Hang in there.

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honoured, and I love you.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you…
Isaiah 43 1-5

A cup of coffee for my head

What is it like to be stuck in the house with 8 active, inquisitive, and sometimes “annoying” children? I get asked that question often, and friends send me sympathy messages like, I am praying for you, or you are my hero… things the sort.

When I get those messages, what comes to mind is, my friend, you have no idea what you are talking about!

Here is the thing, do not get me wrong. All of us moms have challenges; as mothers of 1 or 10 children, each one of us could sit and tell an endless number of stories of how many challenges and joys we have daily in this process of quarantine. I am not trying to make it sound like my life is somehow more difficult than yours; comparing should never be something that mothers should do; we are to encourage each other in this crazy motherhood journey. My friends have taught me so much; they have one or two children. Having 8 children does not make me an expert at anything, but when I think, “ You have no idea what my life is like”, it is because 1 and 8 are pretty different numbers, which is the reality. I appreciate the prayers so much; thank you!

I have 4 stages of childhood around here. Two teens, two pre-teens, two getting there, and two on the pre-school age. The dynamics are intense, and sometimes I fail! Big-time fails.

I want to share an incident that happened last week; mind you, it has been over 5 weeks that we have been home on quarantine, my 8 children and me. By this stage, we are bored, frustrated, and tired.

It was Thursday evening, we had finished dinner, and the children were being loud; I had already asked them to start getting ready for bed; the teens had a screaming meltdown earlier that day, so by this stage, a lot of us were frustrated. So I started cleaning the kitchen when I heard the youngest crying and the others coming shouting: Mommy!! They hurt her, so and so did this and this…

It is tough to even begin to explain what this kind of scenario does to my brain; I had been hearing fights and crying the whole day, and by 7pm, when I heard crying and everyone shouting, I went a little crazy. I shouted louder! I took the children involved in the incident and screamed at them: I told you to stop; I asked you the entire day, why do you not listen to me? I am not going to share all that I said and how the whole situation for the 3 minutes it lasted, but my kids were shocked by my reaction, and so was I.

When things were quieter, and I got to tend to the hurt child and realised it was an accident, my friends, I was that thoughtless, first went to get the ones who hurt the little one instead of tending to the hurt child, who does that??? I did, a tired and overwhelmed mother! Things improved; I apologised, and we cried and prayed together, but even though all seemed ok, I went to bed with a heavy heart; I felt lonely and like a failure. I asked God to help me be a better mom and to protect my family and my mind so I can be the mother He wants me to be. I fell asleep after a good sob.

In the morning, I woke up tired, more tired than usual; it was like a tractor had gone through my body or that I was bitten up during the whole night, I had a shower, and it got worse, and my eyes were sore. Sarah, my baby number 5, told me to go back to bed, and she made breakfast for me; I said I did not need coffee; I like making my own as I can be fussy about my coffee. She made a beautiful omelette; I was so thankful and felt unworthy because of the previous night.

As soon as I finished my breakfast and was going to return to sleep (it was already 11am,) I got a message from one of the children’s teacher, who has become more of a friend since this quarantine started; she lives down the road from me, the message read: “Hey, are you home? I would like to bring something to you.” My first thought was that she had some school stuff, so I texted back and told her I was not feeling the best and was trying to rest. She replied, I am sorry you are feeling poorly l; II was making some Latte for myself and made one for you too, so I thought of dropping it off.

Now, pause and think of how I felt when I read that message…

Guys, Lattes are my favourite kind of coffee. I felt so blessed at that very moment. It was like God told me: “Yes, you blew up last night, but I still love you and care enough to even give you your favourite kind of coffee.” I am crying right now, even thinking of it; it seems silly. He does so many other massive things in my life, real miracles… but somehow, this little blessing made such a difference.
She dropped the coffee and a little note thanking me for all the work I do with the kids and saying that she could imagine how hard it must be for me to do this on my own.

More blessings happened that day; more friends were involved in being God’s hand in my life; I felt him saying:

No matter what happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow, my love for you will never change, and I care for you more than you can comprehend, and yes, I care that you get precisely what you wish for if that is exactly what you need even if it is just a cup of coffee.