Coward!

Deciding to stand up for myself was not something that came naturally. Family, friends, and counselling were crucial in this journey of healing I am going through.

It took me a while to realise how bad my situation was, I wanted to change and take control of my decisions, but it was like I had no power. My mind would play tricks on me, I know now that those were lies that unfortunately was ingrained on me during my childhood.

Having been brought up in a conservative Evangelical Christian way, did not help when it came to the time of saying enough is enough, I am not blaming religion or any church for how I managed things but having grown up in an “society “where marriage is more sacred than an individual, was not good for me.

Sometimes, my mind would have clarity and I knew exactly what I had to do, but thoughts of the children and how each would be affected by my decisions, or how other people would view me, would make me stop and reconsider everything again. Sadly, as I see it now, all those above reasons were selfish. The truth is, there was one child that needed healing, protection and help and I was the only person in the world that could have helped, and I was a COWARD!

This is the first time I say that word about myself: coward. I know many will disagree, and yes, I have learned to accept the fact that everything that happened, led me to act that way, or let us say, not act at all. I was frozen! Numb! Walking dead. Had my eyes not been opened that September 2018, If I had stayed in that situation, I would not be here today to share this piece with you. I would either be dead or in a mental health hospital.

Toxic, that is what it was. Keeping all in, avoiding confrontation, pretending all is ok are great ways to kill yourself slowly. I chose to stop, but again it took time, and it is taking time. I have been writing this blog for almost 2 years now and I have never talked about these things here because I felt the need to make everyone happy, I worried about what my readers, not so close friends and acquaintances would think of me and my family.

It is like I am learning to walk and talk again, after the shock of experiencing the deepest sadness I had ever experienced and that took almost 2 years, for the past year I have been rediscovering a new me, yes! I am working on me; I want to be a good role model to my children.

I want to be real. Do you know what that means? It means to be someone who I enjoy the company of. Myself, my children and those closest to me will benefit of a Dani who is authentic. I am also choosing to be kind to myself, because although I mentioned the word coward, I know what I did was a reaction to the trauma I was living, I have forgiven myself, and will have to revisit that decision few times before I am completely healed.

 I am working on never having to use that word on myself again!

Enough is Enough!

When I am sick and cannot do anything else, I take time to analyse myself. That is one of the practices advised by my therapist.

It is interesting to look deep inside and try to understand why I do things the way I do and why I have done things certain ways in the past.

Few weeks ago, one of my children asked why I took so long to leave the marriage and why I kept “pretending” everything was ok and playing the happy family in the beginning of the separation. My answer was vague, because if I am honest with myself, I would have to search too deep to understand the way I dealt with things from the moment I knew things were over.

It has been over 3 years of my separation, for the first year of it I was living in denial, I avoided thinking of the true reasons why I asked him to leave. He had told me that the love was never there to begin with, towards the end of the marriage, he often mentioned his regrets about getting married and having children. I wanted to be mature about it, we cannot force someone to love us or to enjoy the life they have with us, the children needed him in their lives, and I wanted to make sure they had that.

Was it easy? Absolutely not! Every visit was hard on me and for few of the children, but the little ones loved it. I made efforts to be a “normal” split family. I was brave to have ended the relationship and now I wanted to be brave to put the past behind and do the best I could to give my children a good upbringing. I chose to look passed the damage his choices had already caused, maybe one day my children would appreciate that.

Was it possible to pretend the past did not happen? To see my children suffering and not seek for help just to have an imaginary situation that eventually would turn against us?

It took counselling sessions, women’s aid, and authorities to help me to be able to see the damage the “avoidance” was going to cause on me and my children.

From the very beginning I thought the Christian thing to do was to forgive and move on, I still think that, but my understanding of that was naïve, I remember the day my eyes were opened, summer 2020, I felt sick, how could I have believed so many lies? As I started learning more about everything that had happened, instead of feeling anger toward him, I blamed myself for not acting back at the beginning, I will have to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of my life.

 It is not about forgiveness, because you don’t need to welcome a forgiven person into your life, them being forgiven doesn’t mean they have truly changed their ways and if there is a slight chance they could do damage again, to protect yourself from future pain, your loved ones from harm, the best thing to do is to avoid all contact.

Of course, not everyone will see it that way, but I cannot control how others feel.

Having had a child attempt suicide, other suffering from depression and anxiety and having had to experience homelessness, I couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks of me or my situation anymore, for the past 3 years I have lost friends and have gained new ones, some disappeared of my life because most people would not know how to relate to the issues that comes with a family that have had so much trauma in their lives.

It is time for me to stand up and say, enough is enough. I no longer live my life to please others, especially those who deceived and hurt myself and my children.

Birthdays and Family Traditions

I accepted a challenge to write a blog post daily for a month, and because today we have a birthday in the house, I decided to write about it.

When it comes to birthdays, we have a few family traditions, like breakfast in bed, a personal date with the birthday child, a breakfast date has become quite popular among the older children these days, and a cake with the family by the end of the day. We did few birthday parties for the ones that have theirs during the summer, but early on I found out that I am not the right person to organise parties. It would end up very chaotic by the end and the child would end up not really enjoying it because their mom was stressed the entire day.

Today my philosophy is, the simpler the better, if the child feels loved and accepted, all efforts are appreciated.

I often laugh at the fact that five of my eight children have birthdays close to each other. Two in December and 3 in January. Springs must have been a busy time at our house few years ago 😊!

Since I became a single mom, I have tried to stick to the traditions, it is not always easy, but I try to take the child on a date and then have a cake with everyone else in the evening.

I do not know if you read my last post about us all having covid now, but that situation made it a little challenging to know what to do for Lucy’s birthday.

Lucy is my youngest child, only few birthdays but almost each of them she has spent either in hospital with asthma issues or at home sick, seems that there is always something happening on her day.

 Becky’s birthday was on Monday, so the moment it ended, Lucy could talk about nothing else but her sixth birthday that was coming up, Tuesday we got our first positive test for covid, and poor Lucy got her positive on Wednesday.

She was so angry: I hate Covid! she said. Why do I always get sick on my birthdays, it is not fair!

I told her I would find a way to do something and then when we are better, we can do our proper date.

Thanks to my amazing neighbours, we had a cake and cupcakes, I was well enough this noon, so I took Lucy on a drive, we went to one of my favourite spots and had one hour for ourselves. We had homemade pizza and fish cakes and she is happy enough

How do you celebrate your children’s birthdays?

Here are the links of little videos I made to register the birthday we had this month.

Judah turned 14! Here it is!

Becky turned 13! My sweet girl.

Lucy turned 6! My forever baby 🙂

Yesterday is Gone!

Happy New Year my friend.

We survived another year of a world pandemic and that for sure made all our other problems seem a little more complicated. But here we are, 2022!

I have not written anything in a while, my life has taken a turn since my last post, and I feel hopeful.

 I have moved house and I now settling into a new life. Found a church we like, made new friends, reconnected with old friends and the kids are settling in their new school.

Housing is still a worry as where I am is just a temporary solution, but thankfully I doubt I will ever be in that situation again.

I would like to thank everyone here who prayed for our situation, helped financially, and reached out to me with encouraging words. I felt loved and blessed to have so many people all around the world routing for us.

I have goals for this year, one of them is to focus on my mental and physical health. I want to be well to be able to be a better person. I want to be the best mom I can be.

To me 2021 felt like just a continuation of 2020, it was like 2020 never ended… I now know that it was not just because of the pandemic, I had unresolved issues carried over, things that I needed to deal with in my own brain to be able to move on to the next step, and now I feel this time has come. Time for Dani to do what it needs to be done to totally let go of the past, and I mentioned once on a different post, sometimes we need to let go of good memories as well as the bad ones to fully experience healing, which is what I plan to do this year.

Starting fresh, no looking back only forward yesterday is passed and it no longer should affect my today unless it is to teach me something.

2022, here I come!

Housing Crisis and Single Parents

“Mommy, I don’t like sleeping here. 

“ You can go to the other room, there is more space, your sister is going to sleep in the cottage tonight. I said, trying to give her more options.

“ No mommy, I don’t mean the couch, I mean the mobile home. It feels like the whole place is going to fall on top of me.”

“Don’t worry about it, we will be ok. God will protect us. This house is a blessing, many kids in Brazil are living on the streets right now.  I said, also with a cracking voice… of course I wouldn’t tell her that I have fears too,  many nights I cry in the dark, praying that someone out there will agree to rent a house for us. I also wonder if this mobile home will last much longer. 

You might be wondering what it is all about,  I will tell you a little..

I am a mother of many!  I am separated! I am a foreigner and I am homeless!

For the past four months, I have had to explain myself to many people, shared details of my story to strangers, I’ve had to explain that all my children were born of one marriage, that their father is Irish and that I have lived in this country almost 19 years, just so I could past people’s preconceived ideas of what they have in mind for a foreigner, single mother of 8 children and if I am honest, in the past, I would have had few judgemental thoughts on that too.

Social workers, politicians, the social housing department, women’s aid, and a few other agencies, cannot help me on this matter.

Friends and family have reached out too, some have prayed for and with me, others tried calling different governmental agencies, the situation is the same.

I have applied for most houses around, Real estate agencies, won’t even reply to my applications, landlords when answering phone calls, tell me they will let me know, but of course a few days later the house won’t be online anymore and you will never again hear from them.

I have the means to pay rent,  good references, always paid my rent on time and kept the house in good condition, sometimes better than when I moved in. 

This housing crisis is real! By the time I apply ,there are probably already 50 other applicants, with less kids, better jobs and not a single parent with 8 kids. 

This is a true saga, friends, the story of my life… has anything ever happened to you that you think, Wow, I never imagined this happening to me?  for the past few years, almost everything that has happened to my family can be classified as “ Something I have never imagined possible”

It is almost 00hrs, I’m sitting on the sofa bed(where I sleep most of the nights) in the living room of the mobile home, listening to one of my kids snoring by my side. With tears pouring down my face, I try to make sense of how I got here. My mind, of course, reminds me of happenings, situations, things that I’d rather not think about, reminding me where it all started, when it all started. It is a vicious cycle that I’m looking forward to changing. 

I’m sorry this post is depressing, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered but I need to be honest when I write. This blog is real, this life is real, I don’t ever want to fake it, and tonight I have no energy to explain details of how I end up living in the back garden of a friend/relatives, in a mobile home. Story for another post.

Tonight I need God so much, I need His peace, His presence, I know that what I told my daughter earlier was true, there are many people in much worse situations, but unfortunately knowing people are suffering all around the world does not change the fact that tonight my heart aches for my own family and I wish for me and the kids to have a home  that we could move on with our lives.

The Survival Mode Of a Single-parent

That week was strange, I usually deal with things strangely. I put on a survival mode and keep going.

My child was given a bed in a room that was shared with other kids with various different health conditions, and because there was nothing they could actually do, as there was no psychiatric ward for children in the hospital, the nurses checked on us also CAHMS “ Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service”, was called and they visited my child at the hospital.

Throughout the week I was by their bedside. I have a friend who lives closer to the hospital and let me stay for a few nights as the hospital chair was not very comfortable to sleep in. The hospital put a nurse that sat by my child’s side the whole night, they became friends even. Every morning around 9 am I would arrive and stay with them till about 8 pm.

I usually share my life openly, but what happened was different. It is not something you post on facebook. I felt low, but I had to be strong. I texted a few friends and my  family in Brazil, they checked on us daily through phone calls, texts and prayers. I felt loved.

One friend from Dublin, the moment I told her what was happening, she bought pyjamas, underwear and toiletries supplies and drove up to Drogheda at the hospital, to give them to me. Words can not express the feeling I got from seeing her there and how happy my child was when she saw there was a love gift for her in the bag, with goodies and comfy socks . One night she ordered pizza and got it delivered at the hospital for me and my child. It made us both feel special.

Few friends from Brazil checked on me daily, talking through what would be my action plan to prevent this kind of situation from happening again.

The family that helped me when we had to go in the ambulance, was also there to assist during the week. A Brazilian friend also drove to my house and to the hospital to bring clothes and supplies to us.

Those days when I felt so low, I got to experience the love  and care from my friends, but at the same time it was the first time that I realised that I couldn’t keep going like this, I can’t live far from my support bubble, my situation isn’t so easy, if I had one or two children it would be different, but eight children and a traumatic life story, how am I going to cope?

Your child self-harming or actually killing themselves, aren’t things that you put on your list of things that could happen to you and prepare for it. Not in a million years would I or anyone be prepared for such a thing to happen, so when this happened, I went on an emergency mode. What can I do to prevent this from happening again to this child or to any of my other children?  

The children’s aunt kept me updated on how they were doing throughout the week. She took care of them,did school runs, homework and made sure they were ok. She has been a crucial person in my life since my separation, and now, knowing she was with the kids, allowed me to focus on that particular child in a time they needed.

During our time in Hospital, we had few conversations. I asked my child what would have made them want to end their life? The answer was : I wanted you to see me,mummy! I wanted you to see my pain, I put a face to my pain. 

As a parent, it is hard to accept or admit that a lot of our children’s pains go unnoticed. I knew this child was struggling, I tried to “help” by having long night conversations, allowing them to stay home when school and other places felt overwhelming for them, I had called CAHMS, few months earlier to help us as they were having suicidal thoughts before. My child had already been discharged from their services for over 3 weeks before this had happened, we were told my child was no longer in danger. Now, here we were, if psychiatrists couldn’t have  detected that my child needed urgent help, how could I? 

During the week, the psychiatrist from CAHMs and a Tusla representative came to visit and talk to us about action plans. Overwhelmed is an understatement of how I felt. The options were:

1- Send the child to a friend or family that could care for them on a more one-on-one basis. It was also suggested that I bring someone from my family to be with us for a while to help me, so I would have more time for the kids.

And to that I ask you… 

Would you send your suicidal child to a friend or a family member? Or as a friend, Would you say yes to keeping my child, knowing that some very dark thoughts are going through their brain?

Who could I ask to come?

2- If I chose to bring the child home, the suggestion was : Get a box with a lock, put all the dangerous things that your child could use to self-harm and you keep the keys to the lock around your neck, so you are the only one that has access to it. On the list of things that are dangerous were all my kitchen knives, medicine,scissors and a few other things.

And I asked:

How will I explain to the younger children why I am walking around with a Necklace that has a key on it? 

And what will I do with my anxiety with such responsibility?

By the end of the week, the plan was : The child goes home, YAP – Youth Advocate Program was introduced. Every week, a lady would come and spend some time with the child, take them out on walks and assist them or me in whatever we needed.  I organised someone to come and help me for a few months, and even though I was still so worried about how it would all develop, I was hopeful.

The YAP programme took a few weeks to happen. I decided my child should sleep with me for a while so I could keep an eye and ear during the night. Looking back now, I know I was just surviving, I’m still not sure I did enough, could my child see and feel how much love I have for them? How devastated I was? I felt all of what was going on reflected on my parenting but I didn’t know what to do.

By January we had everything put into place. A good friend from Brazil came and stayed with us for 3 months, she helped me a lot. The YAP program was really helpful too, my child connected well with the Youth Advocate and we saw a lot of improvements on their outlook in life.

I have to say that even though it was a dark time for me spiritually, I can now see that God never left our side. I tried to leave his side,  I was angry, but I never felt He left me, even in the darkest of times.

I have a lot to say, but it has to be filtered. All I share is a little of what actually happened, I still cry thinking about those months but unfortunately life doesn’t always go the way we want and hope for, as I share a bit of what my life has been like since that happening, I hope I will be able to make more sense of it on my own mind and also bless someone who is going through the same.

Since starting those posts I have received quite a lot of private messages of other mothers going through similar situations. Motherhood is hard, but no one can prepare you for the heartache we go through when we see one of our children suffering, the hopeless feeling when you have no idea what to do to stop your child’s pain.

In all of that, I have to say, Covid 19 and lock downs didn’t help, counselling, therapy and other services could only take place over the phone. I’m just so thankful for YAP.

I will stop here for now… but it is to be continued…

When being Alone Hits Home

*Trigger Warning : Mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.*

Tuesday, November 16th

We had a good day.

It had been a hard few weeks. The past few days had been intense; a precious kitten had died and we had a few important things happen during the weekend. But this Tuesday was a good day. I was even surprised during the day, when, on my grocery shopping trip I received a message from my child saying, “I had a good day, Mom! I learned how to play a new song and I enjoyed my day. I’m happy!”

For a parent, when you know your child has been through hard times and often struggles to remain positive, it is such a relief to read or hear the words, “I’m happy today, Mom!”

I usually have my phone on silent, and this night was no different. I went to bed around midnight, and everything seemed normal. 

Buzz, buzz.

I was awakened by the sound of my phone vibrating by my bedside. Before I answered it I looked at the clock. It was 3 AM. Who would call at this time? So many thoughts went through my mind. In the past when receiving late phone calls, it was often bad news from my family in Brazil, but this time it was an Irish number.

I got up quickly and answered. “Hello,” I said, still a bit sleepy.

“Is that Ms. Kinsella?” a male voice on the other side of the phone asked gently.

“Yes, this is she,” I answered, already expecting something terrible to have happened. 

“Ms. Kinsella, this is the emergency department, your child has contacted the help line, and they are on the phone with us. They are locked in the bathroom and trying to harm themselves. Please, go to them and stay close till we arrive, we will be there in a few minutes.”

My heart started to beat so fast. I quickly ran downstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Please, open the door,” I asked, trying to be as calm as possible.

“No, I won’t open it till they arrive.”

I cannot describe how I felt at that moment. Not only was my child trying to end their life, but they also did not want to talk to me. 

“I will stay here till they arrive, please don’t hurt yourself. We love you!” I said with a crack in my voice, trying to control myself.

With all that they had gone through, I would never judge them for feeling so low and I was proud that they called for help.

I could hear their phone on loudspeaker. They were talking to the person from the helpline and he was being kind to them, saying he would stay on the line till the ambulance arrived and asking them to throw away the pills and scissors.

My heart was racing. At this point their whole life was flashing through my mind. I remembered finding out I was pregnant, when they started walking, their joyful laughs and how happy they always made everyone feel. How did it come to this? Oh God, please help my child.

A few minutes later, the ambulance arrived and not long after the police came too. Some questions were asked and answered. The paramedics told me my child would have to be brought to the hospital as they were very distressed and they could try to self harm again. 

“Ms. Kinsella, do you have anyone you can call to come stay with the kids for you to go to the hospital with your child?

It was 4 AM, I didn’t know who to call. This was my first time realising how alone I was. Oh Lord, how am I going to do this? Who will mind the kids? What if this happens again?

My mind raced, feeling terrible at the thought of waking up friends to come stay with my kids. I know it is pride, but I feel terrible to ask people for help when I know all of us have things to deal with.

I swallowed my pride and called my friends that lived 20 minutes away.

“Sorry to bother you at this time, but I need your help,” I said, already crying and shaking. 

“I will be there as fast as I can,” he answered.

His family had been very supportive of me, when I decided to move back to Co. Monaghan, and I knew I could count on them, but what if I needed more help? What if something worse happened?

At that time I also tried to call a family relative who has always been there for me and the kids. Of course, it was during the night and she only got my message in the early morning. She lived 5 hours away but the moment she got the message and missed calls she was on her way to be with the children. My friend helped the kids to school and arranged things. It was a tremendous help to know my children were being cared for while I was in hospital.

To be continued…

Less Judgement, More Love!

The other day I was thinking about this blog and its name. A single mom’s saga, as it is ,I often get told some of the posts are a bit down or maybe a little too honest. 

It is hard for some people to understand why I would want to share my life so openly, and I find it difficult to understand how people can keep so much in.  I share what I find can be helpful to others, if my blog makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe this blog isn’t for you. When I started this project, I wanted it to be geared specifically for single mothers.

As much as we would love to think that all women should understand each other, it is difficult to understand a circumstance you have never experienced.

The saga of a mother is similar to most mothers, but the saga of a single mother is different.

“A single parent is a parent who lives alone with their children and is responsible for their day-to-day upbringing and well being.” 

And that, can be receiving or not maintenance, parenting support, breaks, etc. 

“Joint custody involves a sharing of parental responsibility for the child.”

That is a bit different from a single parent, because the other spouse will be there even if not in the same house, you have an emergency, the child get’s sick or you are stuck in something, you know you have an extra support.

I have heard many married people say, ” I’m like a single parent, I do it all.” But you can still call your husband/wife and say that, or you can tell him/her you are taking a break with friends, if a child is going through issues, you talk through with your spouse and talk to the child together.

I’m not judging situations and somehow making one worse than other, but they are very different circumstances.

I don’t want to get technical; I know single moms and dads that share custody with their exes, and it is still not easy, but not the same as doing it solo, in fact it is sometimes harder to co parent while separated or divorced than doing it alone.

There are many different cases that we should consider when deciding to point to a single parent

• He/she might be single by choice and decided to raise the child on their own.
• Spouse Death.
• Domestic Abuse
• Abandonment.
• Some might experience almost all of those at a time.

A short post like this, is to remind us that we all are in this messed up world together, and whether you are happily married and raising your kids with your spouse, married but not happily and don’t get help from your partner, or you landed in a not ideal situation where you find yourself doing it all on your own: 

Let’s not judge one another, but instead let us reach out to those in need.

I don’t know where I would be if had I not received help from friends and family, I can say that, for now and for when I was “happily married”. 

The thing is, no one wants to be in those circumstances, one should not have to share their whole story to stop others from judging them for being a single parent. 
Single or not, no matter how you got there, we all want the same, to be accepted in society and be treated with respect.

Let it start with you!

From a Mom to Another

When I started this journey into the motherhood world, life was very different. Back then I hardly used the internet, I used my evenings reading books about maternity, parenting and a bit of novels as well.

I was excited to be a mother, but there is only so much that books will prepare you for, that first night after the baby is born, you are in hospital with that little baba right by your side and you realise that from that day on, your life is forever changed. 

Today I decided to write an encouragement post, for those first time moms, you might have a husband, partner, family… and all the support every woman should have during such a precious time of your life, or maybe you are one of the many women that have no one else, just you and the baby that you decided to keep, you feel completely alone and a little hopeless but yet you love that baby more than you thought you could, you are finding strengths to fight for your future as a mother.

My thoughts are for all of you, I will say a few things that might help you or might just open your eyes a little and make you come back to reality, but trust me, after having 8 children in 11 years, these are not parenting advice, they are lifesavers, survival techniques that I had to learn the hard way, things that no book told me back when I started.

I will say as it is, and it will sound a bit blunt, I think it is better that you go there knowing what to expect, not that you should expect the worse, but you should know certain things are normal to happen.

Before the Birth

• Prepare yourself mentally. Not only for the birth, because honestly, as painful as it might be, the birth isn’t the hardest part.
• If you are not alone, talk to your people. A husband can be a good person to talk to, encourage him to read books on how to support you. If there is harmony in the relationship, having your husband there will make a whole difference.
• If you are alone, now is the time to get support, Facebook groups, churches, mothers groups. I know that this wasn’t the way you dreamed it would be like, but you are here, and life will go on and you will be stronger. You can contact me via this blog, Facebook or Instagram, if you would like, I would be happy to answer any doubts you may have or just encourage you in this journey.
• Sleep!! Sleeping is good advice for anyone at any time, no different for a woman growing a baby inside of her. 
• Eat healthy foods. I know it is easy for me to say this now, that my babies are all out of me but I can tell you my “best” pregnancies, were the ones that I was monitoring what I ate, of course by that stage I had already developed Gestational Diabetes, but changing my eating habits, even if it was just by the end of the pregnancy, made such a difference on how my last few weeks went, especially more energy, and you will need that extra energy.
• Make a birth plan, but don’t go there thinking that it will happen exactly how you planned, because there is a high percentage of chances that it will not go exactly as you planned, there are reasons for back up plans.
•  Now it is the time to start focusing your mind on what is good, and expected of you, understanding the power of your mind, will be a great asset when it comes to each stage of labour and delivering the  baby. 
• There are certain products that were very important for me to have in my hospital bag, like a breastfeeding cream and pads. Those were items that I added to my bag the earliest just not to forget. 

The Birth

• It is more painful than the books tell and the movies show. It lasts longer than we think it will be (unless of course you are one of those “annoying women” that do it all in less than two hours, hardly know you are in labour because you just get a small back pain, or just got lucky with a body that birth babies like a pro. I don’t like you.) Most women are like me.. Some even worse, and labours can be as long as 30 hours or more, of course some people could get all technical about the exact amount of hours that you were actively in labour, but for me if you have pain you are in labour, therefore, be prepared!
• When you are in pain and in active labour, you might say things that don’t make sense, become angry or cry. In other words, you and your birth partner might not recognise you, but rest assured, you will be okay.
• Learn your breathing techniques before you are in labour, I wish I knew this info beforehand, I only learned it when I was in labour of my baby number 5, my first without an epidural, but also the first that I learned how to use the gas and air. And OMG, I love gas and air.
• If you choose to use drugs to help with the pain, I would advise you to know what is available and ask for it as soon as you feel enough is enough.  Some women have a  high pain threshold, and if you are one of them, try to wait as much as you can, because less drugs are best for you and the baby, but don’t be naive, most of us,will need the drugs!!! 
• The midwife will check you often to see how far along you are, relax and let it go, that is the best I can say, for first time moms, the examination can feel a little invasive and intimidating, but try to focus on the fact that not long from then you will be having your beautiful baby on your arms.
• Do the breathing techniques and push that baby out! Always listen to your midwife if you want to save yourself some stitches.   

Now this is a sad part that many don’t like to think of, but it is important to mention, sometimes, all of those things will happen perfectly, you will enjoy a healthy pregnancy with no complications, you will go to labour and all will seem just how I described above, then labour might not progress and you end up having a c-section and it wasn’t your plan, or something worse they might not find a heartbeat and your baby might go to heaven before he/she gets the chance to meet you in person.

The percentage isn’t high, but it happens and we can never prepare ourselves for that. Especially a first time mom, all your dreams for that baby, suddenly destroyed from a moment to the next.  The only thing I can say to you is – You Can Do This!!! 

As sad and painful as this scenario would be if that happened to one of us, if this happens to you, hold your baby, even if it is just for a few minutes, grieve, give yourself time,  cry, sob if you need. It will take time but you will know when to let go. Cling to your faith, family and friends but give yourself time to heal and deal.  

I don’t want to end this post on a sad note, even if it is an important one.

Pregnancy is a magical moment, not a romantic fairy tale like many portrait, the hormones all over the place, we laugh, cry, get angry, sleepy and the list of things goes on, but when we consider all that our body is going through to make sure this baby grows, it is incredible!

No matter where you are on this motherhood journey, I hope you can enjoy the ride, with its ups and downs.

You got this! 

Daniela Kinsella is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.co.uk

A Fine Sunday Afternoon

When my children were little and I was constantly pregnant, we used to spend rainy days playing indoors.

My baby number 6 was born when my eldest was 6 years old. As you can imagine, my life was very different than now. In those exhausting pregnancy days I would put all the toys on the living room floor, and let them play while I had a snooze on the couch. 

 Anyone who has had a child or worked with children can probably imagine the dynamics that went on while I had what many would call “ personal creche/playschool”, during some of that stage, some of my friends were older women that had been through similar lives, many times I was encouraged by their grace and wisdom. 

One thing that they all told me was: One day, you will look back and miss those days! I remember thinking and sometimes my honest, blunt self would also say out loud: I doubt I will ever miss this stage! They were very hard going days, I don’t regret any of that, of course when I look back there are few things that I would probably do differently, but this post isn’t about that.

 Today I decided to replicate a normal Sunday afternoon that we used to have.  We had an Irish fry, and for the first time in a long time, all 9 of us had lunch around the table without arguments. After lunch  myself and the little ones had a relaxing moment, they played with toys as I enjoyed a couch time. 

Since my separation it is almost as if I avoid fun, avoid doing anything that reminds me of the old. I think healing is finally happening, I know I’m not there yet but I’m getting there, because today for a chunk of my day, I made an effort to enjoy times that reminded me of fun times.

As I lay here on the couch with the fire on, toys on the ground and my youngest ones quietly playing, my heart was filled with joy and thankfulness.  

Life for sure will never be what once was, and being completely honest I wouldn’t want it to be, but I’m starting to believe that life can definitely be better  than it ever was. 

Having now three teens, few  others coming up to that stage in less than 2 years,  others in between 5-8 years old, I can say that I do miss those days where I was in control, all they wanted was to be with mummy (that hasn’t changed yet), the dynamics are different, there is a maturity that comes with time. 

Today they came, played for maybe an hour and disappeared, but the beauty of it and the difference between today and then, is that today I had no worries, a toddler isn’t walking around probably drawing on walls (although that still happens sometimes) or I’m not thinking of a child falling down the stairs, breaking something. I’m sure you can understand the worries that go on a young mother of many young children, I’m not saying there are no worries now, but they are for sure very different. 

I’m glad I took time to enjoy my family today and I hope I will be doing this more often, enjoy the moment and heal in the process.

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