Coward!

Deciding to stand up for myself was not something that came naturally. Family, friends, and counselling were crucial in this journey of healing I am going through.

It took me a while to realise how bad my situation was, I wanted to change and take control of my decisions, but it was like I had no power. My mind would play tricks on me, I know now that those were lies that unfortunately was ingrained on me during my childhood.

Having been brought up in a conservative Evangelical Christian way, did not help when it came to the time of saying enough is enough, I am not blaming religion or any church for how I managed things but having grown up in an “society “where marriage is more sacred than an individual, was not good for me.

Sometimes, my mind would have clarity and I knew exactly what I had to do, but thoughts of the children and how each would be affected by my decisions, or how other people would view me, would make me stop and reconsider everything again. Sadly, as I see it now, all those above reasons were selfish. The truth is, there was one child that needed healing, protection and help and I was the only person in the world that could have helped, and I was a COWARD!

This is the first time I say that word about myself: coward. I know many will disagree, and yes, I have learned to accept the fact that everything that happened, led me to act that way, or let us say, not act at all. I was frozen! Numb! Walking dead. Had my eyes not been opened that September 2018, If I had stayed in that situation, I would not be here today to share this piece with you. I would either be dead or in a mental health hospital.

Toxic, that is what it was. Keeping all in, avoiding confrontation, pretending all is ok are great ways to kill yourself slowly. I chose to stop, but again it took time, and it is taking time. I have been writing this blog for almost 2 years now and I have never talked about these things here because I felt the need to make everyone happy, I worried about what my readers, not so close friends and acquaintances would think of me and my family.

It is like I am learning to walk and talk again, after the shock of experiencing the deepest sadness I had ever experienced and that took almost 2 years, for the past year I have been rediscovering a new me, yes! I am working on me; I want to be a good role model to my children.

I want to be real. Do you know what that means? It means to be someone who I enjoy the company of. Myself, my children and those closest to me will benefit of a Dani who is authentic. I am also choosing to be kind to myself, because although I mentioned the word coward, I know what I did was a reaction to the trauma I was living, I have forgiven myself, and will have to revisit that decision few times before I am completely healed.

 I am working on never having to use that word on myself again!

Enough is Enough!

When I am sick and cannot do anything else, I take time to analyse myself. That is one of the practices advised by my therapist.

It is interesting to look deep inside and try to understand why I do things the way I do and why I have done things certain ways in the past.

Few weeks ago, one of my children asked why I took so long to leave the marriage and why I kept “pretending” everything was ok and playing the happy family in the beginning of the separation. My answer was vague, because if I am honest with myself, I would have to search too deep to understand the way I dealt with things from the moment I knew things were over.

It has been over 3 years of my separation, for the first year of it I was living in denial, I avoided thinking of the true reasons why I asked him to leave. He had told me that the love was never there to begin with, towards the end of the marriage, he often mentioned his regrets about getting married and having children. I wanted to be mature about it, we cannot force someone to love us or to enjoy the life they have with us, the children needed him in their lives, and I wanted to make sure they had that.

Was it easy? Absolutely not! Every visit was hard on me and for few of the children, but the little ones loved it. I made efforts to be a “normal” split family. I was brave to have ended the relationship and now I wanted to be brave to put the past behind and do the best I could to give my children a good upbringing. I chose to look passed the damage his choices had already caused, maybe one day my children would appreciate that.

Was it possible to pretend the past did not happen? To see my children suffering and not seek for help just to have an imaginary situation that eventually would turn against us?

It took counselling sessions, women’s aid, and authorities to help me to be able to see the damage the “avoidance” was going to cause on me and my children.

From the very beginning I thought the Christian thing to do was to forgive and move on, I still think that, but my understanding of that was naïve, I remember the day my eyes were opened, summer 2020, I felt sick, how could I have believed so many lies? As I started learning more about everything that had happened, instead of feeling anger toward him, I blamed myself for not acting back at the beginning, I will have to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of my life.

 It is not about forgiveness, because you don’t need to welcome a forgiven person into your life, them being forgiven doesn’t mean they have truly changed their ways and if there is a slight chance they could do damage again, to protect yourself from future pain, your loved ones from harm, the best thing to do is to avoid all contact.

Of course, not everyone will see it that way, but I cannot control how others feel.

Having had a child attempt suicide, other suffering from depression and anxiety and having had to experience homelessness, I couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks of me or my situation anymore, for the past 3 years I have lost friends and have gained new ones, some disappeared of my life because most people would not know how to relate to the issues that comes with a family that have had so much trauma in their lives.

It is time for me to stand up and say, enough is enough. I no longer live my life to please others, especially those who deceived and hurt myself and my children.

Birthdays and Family Traditions

I accepted a challenge to write a blog post daily for a month, and because today we have a birthday in the house, I decided to write about it.

When it comes to birthdays, we have a few family traditions, like breakfast in bed, a personal date with the birthday child, a breakfast date has become quite popular among the older children these days, and a cake with the family by the end of the day. We did few birthday parties for the ones that have theirs during the summer, but early on I found out that I am not the right person to organise parties. It would end up very chaotic by the end and the child would end up not really enjoying it because their mom was stressed the entire day.

Today my philosophy is, the simpler the better, if the child feels loved and accepted, all efforts are appreciated.

I often laugh at the fact that five of my eight children have birthdays close to each other. Two in December and 3 in January. Springs must have been a busy time at our house few years ago 😊!

Since I became a single mom, I have tried to stick to the traditions, it is not always easy, but I try to take the child on a date and then have a cake with everyone else in the evening.

I do not know if you read my last post about us all having covid now, but that situation made it a little challenging to know what to do for Lucy’s birthday.

Lucy is my youngest child, only few birthdays but almost each of them she has spent either in hospital with asthma issues or at home sick, seems that there is always something happening on her day.

 Becky’s birthday was on Monday, so the moment it ended, Lucy could talk about nothing else but her sixth birthday that was coming up, Tuesday we got our first positive test for covid, and poor Lucy got her positive on Wednesday.

She was so angry: I hate Covid! she said. Why do I always get sick on my birthdays, it is not fair!

I told her I would find a way to do something and then when we are better, we can do our proper date.

Thanks to my amazing neighbours, we had a cake and cupcakes, I was well enough this noon, so I took Lucy on a drive, we went to one of my favourite spots and had one hour for ourselves. We had homemade pizza and fish cakes and she is happy enough

How do you celebrate your children’s birthdays?

Here are the links of little videos I made to register the birthday we had this month.

Judah turned 14! Here it is!

Becky turned 13! My sweet girl.

Lucy turned 6! My forever baby 🙂

When Covid hit our Family

I knew it was going to happen at some point, here we are, almost 2 years since this pandemic started and we were hit by the virus.

When my children were little, I used to be terrified of the vomiting bug, I remember the first time it hit the whole family, we had 4 children and it was savage! The kids started waking up during the night, 30 minutes between each other and vomiting all over, by the time one bed was made someone else was waking up crying and repeating all I just mentioned above.  Fun memories!

Today I can say, I have gained a bit of experience to the vomiting bug because ever since 2009 we have been hit by it almost every year, today my children know exactly what to do, from the eldest to the youngest, the moment they feel sick they call for the bucket, no more carpets or beds are messed up by it.

For the past 2 years, I avoided Covid, I tried to distance as much as I could, I did what was advised and taught my children to do likewise, but I knew that with the children going to school and socialising we would eventually get it. I am glad it took us this long to happen, it seems that everyone is having it these days.

Tuesday at 5am my son come to me and said: Mom, I think I’m dying! (Drama is part of our family 😊) he mentioned he couldn’t stand up properly, he was shaking and dizzy, no flu symptoms at that stage, he also said his head hurt, I gave him paracetamol and sent him back to bed. I worried, because for a moment Covid was not my concern, but later when he woke up, he was worse and I decided to check for covid, I had an antigen test at home, and sure enough: Positive!!

That morning, before I took the covid test, only one child went to school, everyone felt off, I let them stay home. I’m glad I did, because after he tested positive, few more tested positive too. I called the schools, and my angel neighbour has been a blessing, she went shopping for some supplies of food and medicine.

Thankfully the children are very resilient and are recovering well so far. We are on day 4 since the first positive test, all feeling a bit miserable but doing fine. A lot of boredom going on, a house filled with sick kids and now a sick mother too, not the nicest place to be, but I’m confident saying that despite the sickness, bad moods and all that comes with many kids being stuck together in one space, we are ok 😊

Situations like this reminds me of how fragile life is, one day we are all go and suddenly everything must be postponed. I had meetings and different appointments booked for this week, all seem unimportant when dealing with the health and wellbeing of our loved ones and the protection of others.

I am looking forward to the days when Covid 19, is just another something we must watch for, like the vomiting bug, something that we dread but with time and experience we will know exactly what to do when it hits ourselves or the ones we care for.

Have you been hit by Covid? How was your recovery? What are your tips?

To Detox

How do you get rid of toxic things in your life? Whether they are thoughts, habits, or people; how do you set your boundaries to protect yourself from future pain?

I struggle to get rid of things that are not good for me. Sometimes simple things that have a negative effect in my life. Like for example, going to bed late, staying in bed once I am awake, or a sweet treat with a coffee during the day, or people that just do not add any positive things in my life, but I insist to check on them not realising the affect that action can cause in my life afterwards.

Few months ago, I have experienced being cut off from someone’s life without any explanation, which made me do a deep check. What makes someone toxic? How can I work on myself, so I do not become a person that people I love want to be away from?

I like deep thinking, but I must watch myself, because once I am aware of my weakness I become determined to change. But changing the core of your existence is frustratingly difficult. I have realised that the person I am now, with all my baggage, is not the same person I once thought I was. Did I change? Am I just a product of the past fifteen years?

On the quest of understanding why someone would feel the need to block me out of their life, I started looking at my own personality. I know I have a caring nature, and I like that about myself, but I realise that it can be too much. For many people, having someone checking in on them several times a day can feel invasive and uncomfortable.

It was an interesting experience to think that even kind people can be considered toxic in different circumstances, and if they are not adding anything good to our lives, it would be wise to cut them off. Of course, there are kind ways of doing it, but I do not need to go into that.

Once I became aware of my own toxicity and that we can have the purest thoughts toward someone, you are still not free from being considered toxin for them if what your wishes are, are not what they want for themselves. The awareness of it helped me to let go, but it was a great lesson that I am thankful I had, because it opened my eyes to the need to cleansing the toxicity in my own life.

I have been navigating ways to slowly eliminate things that have a negative impact on me. I realise when I am not healthy and fit (which I am not) it is more likely that I might make poor choices in all areas of my daily life.

Last Saturday my neighbour called to invite me to a 9-day detox. She had used that program before and thought of me when she decided to try it again. I got excited because I have been wanting to try something different to get me back into a healthier living.

I started on Monday the 10^th, I am on my third day and so far, it is going well. Once I am finished, I plan in writing a review of my experience and challenge you to join me the next time I try.

I want to change not because it will make someone else happy, although my family and friends would benefit of it too, but I will like myself better. I am the person who spends the most time with myself, therefore I deserve to have the best Dani there is. Healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually.

• 

• 

Yesterday is Gone!

Happy New Year my friend.

We survived another year of a world pandemic and that for sure made all our other problems seem a little more complicated. But here we are, 2022!

I have not written anything in a while, my life has taken a turn since my last post, and I feel hopeful.

 I have moved house and I now settling into a new life. Found a church we like, made new friends, reconnected with old friends and the kids are settling in their new school.

Housing is still a worry as where I am is just a temporary solution, but thankfully I doubt I will ever be in that situation again.

I would like to thank everyone here who prayed for our situation, helped financially, and reached out to me with encouraging words. I felt loved and blessed to have so many people all around the world routing for us.

I have goals for this year, one of them is to focus on my mental and physical health. I want to be well to be able to be a better person. I want to be the best mom I can be.

To me 2021 felt like just a continuation of 2020, it was like 2020 never ended… I now know that it was not just because of the pandemic, I had unresolved issues carried over, things that I needed to deal with in my own brain to be able to move on to the next step, and now I feel this time has come. Time for Dani to do what it needs to be done to totally let go of the past, and I mentioned once on a different post, sometimes we need to let go of good memories as well as the bad ones to fully experience healing, which is what I plan to do this year.

Starting fresh, no looking back only forward yesterday is passed and it no longer should affect my today unless it is to teach me something.

2022, here I come!

Housing Crisis and Single Parents

“Mommy, I don’t like sleeping here. 

“ You can go to the other room, there is more space, your sister is going to sleep in the cottage tonight. I said, trying to give her more options.

“ No mommy, I don’t mean the couch, I mean the mobile home. It feels like the whole place is going to fall on top of me.”

“Don’t worry about it, we will be ok. God will protect us. This house is a blessing, many kids in Brazil are living on the streets right now.  I said, also with a cracking voice… of course I wouldn’t tell her that I have fears too,  many nights I cry in the dark, praying that someone out there will agree to rent a house for us. I also wonder if this mobile home will last much longer. 

You might be wondering what it is all about,  I will tell you a little..

I am a mother of many!  I am separated! I am a foreigner and I am homeless!

For the past four months, I have had to explain myself to many people, shared details of my story to strangers, I’ve had to explain that all my children were born of one marriage, that their father is Irish and that I have lived in this country almost 19 years, just so I could past people’s preconceived ideas of what they have in mind for a foreigner, single mother of 8 children and if I am honest, in the past, I would have had few judgemental thoughts on that too.

Social workers, politicians, the social housing department, women’s aid, and a few other agencies, cannot help me on this matter.

Friends and family have reached out too, some have prayed for and with me, others tried calling different governmental agencies, the situation is the same.

I have applied for most houses around, Real estate agencies, won’t even reply to my applications, landlords when answering phone calls, tell me they will let me know, but of course a few days later the house won’t be online anymore and you will never again hear from them.

I have the means to pay rent,  good references, always paid my rent on time and kept the house in good condition, sometimes better than when I moved in. 

This housing crisis is real! By the time I apply ,there are probably already 50 other applicants, with less kids, better jobs and not a single parent with 8 kids. 

This is a true saga, friends, the story of my life… has anything ever happened to you that you think, Wow, I never imagined this happening to me?  for the past few years, almost everything that has happened to my family can be classified as “ Something I have never imagined possible”

It is almost 00hrs, I’m sitting on the sofa bed(where I sleep most of the nights) in the living room of the mobile home, listening to one of my kids snoring by my side. With tears pouring down my face, I try to make sense of how I got here. My mind, of course, reminds me of happenings, situations, things that I’d rather not think about, reminding me where it all started, when it all started. It is a vicious cycle that I’m looking forward to changing. 

I’m sorry this post is depressing, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered but I need to be honest when I write. This blog is real, this life is real, I don’t ever want to fake it, and tonight I have no energy to explain details of how I end up living in the back garden of a friend/relatives, in a mobile home. Story for another post.

Tonight I need God so much, I need His peace, His presence, I know that what I told my daughter earlier was true, there are many people in much worse situations, but unfortunately knowing people are suffering all around the world does not change the fact that tonight my heart aches for my own family and I wish for me and the kids to have a home  that we could move on with our lives.

The Survival Mode Of a Single-parent

That week was strange, I usually deal with things strangely. I put on a survival mode and keep going.

My child was given a bed in a room that was shared with other kids with various different health conditions, and because there was nothing they could actually do, as there was no psychiatric ward for children in the hospital, the nurses checked on us also CAHMS “ Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service”, was called and they visited my child at the hospital.

Throughout the week I was by their bedside. I have a friend who lives closer to the hospital and let me stay for a few nights as the hospital chair was not very comfortable to sleep in. The hospital put a nurse that sat by my child’s side the whole night, they became friends even. Every morning around 9 am I would arrive and stay with them till about 8 pm.

I usually share my life openly, but what happened was different. It is not something you post on facebook. I felt low, but I had to be strong. I texted a few friends and my  family in Brazil, they checked on us daily through phone calls, texts and prayers. I felt loved.

One friend from Dublin, the moment I told her what was happening, she bought pyjamas, underwear and toiletries supplies and drove up to Drogheda at the hospital, to give them to me. Words can not express the feeling I got from seeing her there and how happy my child was when she saw there was a love gift for her in the bag, with goodies and comfy socks . One night she ordered pizza and got it delivered at the hospital for me and my child. It made us both feel special.

Few friends from Brazil checked on me daily, talking through what would be my action plan to prevent this kind of situation from happening again.

The family that helped me when we had to go in the ambulance, was also there to assist during the week. A Brazilian friend also drove to my house and to the hospital to bring clothes and supplies to us.

Those days when I felt so low, I got to experience the love  and care from my friends, but at the same time it was the first time that I realised that I couldn’t keep going like this, I can’t live far from my support bubble, my situation isn’t so easy, if I had one or two children it would be different, but eight children and a traumatic life story, how am I going to cope?

Your child self-harming or actually killing themselves, aren’t things that you put on your list of things that could happen to you and prepare for it. Not in a million years would I or anyone be prepared for such a thing to happen, so when this happened, I went on an emergency mode. What can I do to prevent this from happening again to this child or to any of my other children?  

The children’s aunt kept me updated on how they were doing throughout the week. She took care of them,did school runs, homework and made sure they were ok. She has been a crucial person in my life since my separation, and now, knowing she was with the kids, allowed me to focus on that particular child in a time they needed.

During our time in Hospital, we had few conversations. I asked my child what would have made them want to end their life? The answer was : I wanted you to see me,mummy! I wanted you to see my pain, I put a face to my pain. 

As a parent, it is hard to accept or admit that a lot of our children’s pains go unnoticed. I knew this child was struggling, I tried to “help” by having long night conversations, allowing them to stay home when school and other places felt overwhelming for them, I had called CAHMS, few months earlier to help us as they were having suicidal thoughts before. My child had already been discharged from their services for over 3 weeks before this had happened, we were told my child was no longer in danger. Now, here we were, if psychiatrists couldn’t have  detected that my child needed urgent help, how could I? 

During the week, the psychiatrist from CAHMs and a Tusla representative came to visit and talk to us about action plans. Overwhelmed is an understatement of how I felt. The options were:

1- Send the child to a friend or family that could care for them on a more one-on-one basis. It was also suggested that I bring someone from my family to be with us for a while to help me, so I would have more time for the kids.

And to that I ask you… 

Would you send your suicidal child to a friend or a family member? Or as a friend, Would you say yes to keeping my child, knowing that some very dark thoughts are going through their brain?

Who could I ask to come?

2- If I chose to bring the child home, the suggestion was : Get a box with a lock, put all the dangerous things that your child could use to self-harm and you keep the keys to the lock around your neck, so you are the only one that has access to it. On the list of things that are dangerous were all my kitchen knives, medicine,scissors and a few other things.

And I asked:

How will I explain to the younger children why I am walking around with a Necklace that has a key on it? 

And what will I do with my anxiety with such responsibility?

By the end of the week, the plan was : The child goes home, YAP – Youth Advocate Program was introduced. Every week, a lady would come and spend some time with the child, take them out on walks and assist them or me in whatever we needed.  I organised someone to come and help me for a few months, and even though I was still so worried about how it would all develop, I was hopeful.

The YAP programme took a few weeks to happen. I decided my child should sleep with me for a while so I could keep an eye and ear during the night. Looking back now, I know I was just surviving, I’m still not sure I did enough, could my child see and feel how much love I have for them? How devastated I was? I felt all of what was going on reflected on my parenting but I didn’t know what to do.

By January we had everything put into place. A good friend from Brazil came and stayed with us for 3 months, she helped me a lot. The YAP program was really helpful too, my child connected well with the Youth Advocate and we saw a lot of improvements on their outlook in life.

I have to say that even though it was a dark time for me spiritually, I can now see that God never left our side. I tried to leave his side,  I was angry, but I never felt He left me, even in the darkest of times.

I have a lot to say, but it has to be filtered. All I share is a little of what actually happened, I still cry thinking about those months but unfortunately life doesn’t always go the way we want and hope for, as I share a bit of what my life has been like since that happening, I hope I will be able to make more sense of it on my own mind and also bless someone who is going through the same.

Since starting those posts I have received quite a lot of private messages of other mothers going through similar situations. Motherhood is hard, but no one can prepare you for the heartache we go through when we see one of our children suffering, the hopeless feeling when you have no idea what to do to stop your child’s pain.

In all of that, I have to say, Covid 19 and lock downs didn’t help, counselling, therapy and other services could only take place over the phone. I’m just so thankful for YAP.

I will stop here for now… but it is to be continued…

When A Hug Is All You Need

The next few hours were intense, the ride to the hospital on the ambulance was long, my child had their eyes closed, and I was answering questions to the paramedics, tears rolled down my face, the COVID mask was making me feel suffocated. 

How did we get here? 

The paramedics were supportive and tried to comfort me by reminding me this kind of incident happens more often than we know. For the last half of the 40 minutes journey, the ambulance was quiet, I could only hear my heavy breathing and felt the tears that wouldn’t stop. 

I touched my child’s hand and thanked God they were alive. 

At the hospital, the treatment was fast, my child was brought to the paediatric ward and put in an isolated room, for the next 5 hours while they were sleeping I had to tell my story over and over to different doctors and nurses. I cried. I shared background stories explaining reasons why that particular child would want to end their life.  

I was thankful when one of the nurses said: “Mom, you need a hug! ” She took me to a different room, hugged me and told me I was in the right place and that everything was going to be okay. 

 I sat on the chair right beside the bed my child was sleeping in, my mind was racing, wondering, “what am I going to do?”  how I was going to pass this stage? How will I help my kids to deal with all the trauma caused by the emotional heartbreaks from the past few years? and now this? What do I do with this situation?

It was 9am and my head started to hurt, my hands were shaking and I was tired. A new doctor came in and started asking more questions. When she noticed how distressed I was telling our story, she sent me to get checked.

“Ms Kinsella, your blood pressure is a little too high, we would like to run a few tests” the gentle doctor told me.

“ What kind of tests?” I was already worried as I was too long away from my child’s side.

“ With the shock you have been through last night, how high your blood pressure is and your head ache, we need to rule out stroke.” She said in a serious but kind tone.”

Very soon after that I had an x-ray and a CT scan and the prognosis thankfully wasn’t a stroke but stress. 

The kind doctor closed the curtains, sat beside me and asked a few questions. As I shared a bit of what we had gone through for the past few years, tears were running down her face, she held my hands and asked if she could give me a hug. We cried together. I’m not sure she will ever know how important that moment was to me.

She gave me her personal phone number and asked me to call or text anytime while I was in hospital with my child. I felt peace for the first time since arriving at that hospital. I went back up, and for that day I think I talked to over 5  different doctors and the same amount of nurses.

Before the end of the day, the kids were safe at home with their aunt and I was aware that this was going to be a long week in hospital.

To be continued…

If you missed the beginning of the story , here it is : When Being Alone Hits Home

When being Alone Hits Home

*Trigger Warning : Mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.*

Tuesday, November 16th

We had a good day.

It had been a hard few weeks. The past few days had been intense; a precious kitten had died and we had a few important things happen during the weekend. But this Tuesday was a good day. I was even surprised during the day, when, on my grocery shopping trip I received a message from my child saying, “I had a good day, Mom! I learned how to play a new song and I enjoyed my day. I’m happy!”

For a parent, when you know your child has been through hard times and often struggles to remain positive, it is such a relief to read or hear the words, “I’m happy today, Mom!”

I usually have my phone on silent, and this night was no different. I went to bed around midnight, and everything seemed normal. 

Buzz, buzz.

I was awakened by the sound of my phone vibrating by my bedside. Before I answered it I looked at the clock. It was 3 AM. Who would call at this time? So many thoughts went through my mind. In the past when receiving late phone calls, it was often bad news from my family in Brazil, but this time it was an Irish number.

I got up quickly and answered. “Hello,” I said, still a bit sleepy.

“Is that Ms. Kinsella?” a male voice on the other side of the phone asked gently.

“Yes, this is she,” I answered, already expecting something terrible to have happened. 

“Ms. Kinsella, this is the emergency department, your child has contacted the help line, and they are on the phone with us. They are locked in the bathroom and trying to harm themselves. Please, go to them and stay close till we arrive, we will be there in a few minutes.”

My heart started to beat so fast. I quickly ran downstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Please, open the door,” I asked, trying to be as calm as possible.

“No, I won’t open it till they arrive.”

I cannot describe how I felt at that moment. Not only was my child trying to end their life, but they also did not want to talk to me. 

“I will stay here till they arrive, please don’t hurt yourself. We love you!” I said with a crack in my voice, trying to control myself.

With all that they had gone through, I would never judge them for feeling so low and I was proud that they called for help.

I could hear their phone on loudspeaker. They were talking to the person from the helpline and he was being kind to them, saying he would stay on the line till the ambulance arrived and asking them to throw away the pills and scissors.

My heart was racing. At this point their whole life was flashing through my mind. I remembered finding out I was pregnant, when they started walking, their joyful laughs and how happy they always made everyone feel. How did it come to this? Oh God, please help my child.

A few minutes later, the ambulance arrived and not long after the police came too. Some questions were asked and answered. The paramedics told me my child would have to be brought to the hospital as they were very distressed and they could try to self harm again. 

“Ms. Kinsella, do you have anyone you can call to come stay with the kids for you to go to the hospital with your child?

It was 4 AM, I didn’t know who to call. This was my first time realising how alone I was. Oh Lord, how am I going to do this? Who will mind the kids? What if this happens again?

My mind raced, feeling terrible at the thought of waking up friends to come stay with my kids. I know it is pride, but I feel terrible to ask people for help when I know all of us have things to deal with.

I swallowed my pride and called my friends that lived 20 minutes away.

“Sorry to bother you at this time, but I need your help,” I said, already crying and shaking. 

“I will be there as fast as I can,” he answered.

His family had been very supportive of me, when I decided to move back to Co. Monaghan, and I knew I could count on them, but what if I needed more help? What if something worse happened?

At that time I also tried to call a family relative who has always been there for me and the kids. Of course, it was during the night and she only got my message in the early morning. She lived 5 hours away but the moment she got the message and missed calls she was on her way to be with the children. My friend helped the kids to school and arranged things. It was a tremendous help to know my children were being cared for while I was in hospital.

To be continued…