Coward!

Deciding to stand up for myself was not something that came naturally. Family, friends, and counselling were crucial in this journey of healing I am going through.

It took me a while to realise how bad my situation was, I wanted to change and take control of my decisions, but it was like I had no power. My mind would play tricks on me, I know now that those were lies that unfortunately was ingrained on me during my childhood.

Having been brought up in a conservative Evangelical Christian way, did not help when it came to the time of saying enough is enough, I am not blaming religion or any church for how I managed things but having grown up in an “society “where marriage is more sacred than an individual, was not good for me.

Sometimes, my mind would have clarity and I knew exactly what I had to do, but thoughts of the children and how each would be affected by my decisions, or how other people would view me, would make me stop and reconsider everything again. Sadly, as I see it now, all those above reasons were selfish. The truth is, there was one child that needed healing, protection and help and I was the only person in the world that could have helped, and I was a COWARD!

This is the first time I say that word about myself: coward. I know many will disagree, and yes, I have learned to accept the fact that everything that happened, led me to act that way, or let us say, not act at all. I was frozen! Numb! Walking dead. Had my eyes not been opened that September 2018, If I had stayed in that situation, I would not be here today to share this piece with you. I would either be dead or in a mental health hospital.

Toxic, that is what it was. Keeping all in, avoiding confrontation, pretending all is ok are great ways to kill yourself slowly. I chose to stop, but again it took time, and it is taking time. I have been writing this blog for almost 2 years now and I have never talked about these things here because I felt the need to make everyone happy, I worried about what my readers, not so close friends and acquaintances would think of me and my family.

It is like I am learning to walk and talk again, after the shock of experiencing the deepest sadness I had ever experienced and that took almost 2 years, for the past year I have been rediscovering a new me, yes! I am working on me; I want to be a good role model to my children.

I want to be real. Do you know what that means? It means to be someone who I enjoy the company of. Myself, my children and those closest to me will benefit of a Dani who is authentic. I am also choosing to be kind to myself, because although I mentioned the word coward, I know what I did was a reaction to the trauma I was living, I have forgiven myself, and will have to revisit that decision few times before I am completely healed.

 I am working on never having to use that word on myself again!