The Husband I longed for.

I have gone through so many distinct stages since I have become a single mom of 8. There are days when the fact that I am the only adult responsible for the lives of 8 children is overwhelming and scary, and there are other days when I feel God’s presence in it all, and that brings a lot of peace to my heart.

The story I will share happened sometime in early November of 2019. I was going through a very dark period when I questioned my life.

I was having one of those ranting moments while driving home from college. I was thinking about where I was at in my life. It could have been that college was too challenging, or my day was so full I did not know how I would get it all in, but for whatever reason, I was terribly upset.

With tears pouring down my face, playing Lauren Daigle on Spotify, I drove talking to God. Well, it was not really a talk; it was more like a cry-out. I started to think of what it would have been like to have had a husband that was a stable Christian man, someone who loved me so much that he would protect and cherish me. I asked, “Why is all this happening to me, Lord? What did I do to deserve this?” I looked around and saw a house that myself and my husband used to drive by and talk about how much we would have loved to buy our own home. I cried. There were so many dreams and hopes. Then it was like a movie going through my mind. You know those movies where the guy loves the girl but is her best friend and is too afraid to share his feelings because he knows she loves someone else? Then a lot happens, and only at the end of the movie, she realises that she loves her best friend and not the jerk she had been running after. Well, that was the thought I had in my mind. I asked, “Lord, why do I not get that kind of a friend? Someone who will stick around even when I obviously am not into him, someone who will be there during my crying and laughter, not because he wants something in return but because he loves me?”

As you can see, I really opened my deepest feelings to him. I just wanted to be loved no matter what; the pain of rejection and betrayal was heavy that day. I asked him, “Why, why? How am I going to do this on my own? I never imagined one day being a single mom.”

As soon as I quieted down, a song I had heard before but never really paid attention to started playing. Here are the words:

You are not hidden
There has never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It is true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You are not defenceless
I will be your shelter
I will be your Armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It is true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It is true, I will rescue you

Suddenly, my heart was filled with joy, a REAL joy. It is hard to explain as I had NEVER felt it before, not even when I became a Christian 30 years ago. I started to laugh, and this deep love came to me. I heard Jesus! He spoke very clearly into my heart, “I am the husband you are looking for, the friend who loves you no matter what, the one who will stick around even when you obviously don’t seem interested, the one who will be here waiting for the moment to be noticed.” I started to sob like a crazy lady! I can only imagine what other people driving by must have thought of me. At that moment, I fell in love with Jesus; I noticed him, my best friend, the husband who will always be faithful, loving, and never leave, no matter what! What a revelation that was. My stomach still gets butterflies when I remember that day.

In my most profound sorrow, He showed up. I do not know what you are going through, but if, like me, sometimes you need to be reminded, here it is.

You are loved beyond what you can ever comprehend. He will never leave. He will supply your needs. Your life might remain stuck in messy situations for the time being but He has promised that He will never leave you, He will fight for you and wipe away your tears. Hang in there.

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honoured, and I love you.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you…
Isaiah 43 1-5